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BLAM April 2003

The Editor speaks

Forum Towers aides in 'gifts for sale and anal probe' probe!

Shock allegations surfaced this month about improper behaviour, financial argy-bargy and a little bit of hanky panky at Forum Towers. Resignations are expected shortly, following disclosures about the discreditable way managers at The Forum conducted both their business and the management of their staff. Head honcho Ian Carvell stands accused of selling off the Forum's prized possessions on the cheap at Friendly Arthur's Boot Fair that takes place every second Sunday at that farm just outside Southborough (very reasonable rates available for every pitch, contact Farmer Giles on 01892 52434237). Among the items now found to be missing are: the pack of Blu Tac that has faithfully put up the posters for the last ten years, a signed photo of Ice-T (signed by Wolff), two postcards from Torremolinas showing ladies bottoms and 713 copies of the Unlabel album. Shocked members of staff were said to be appalled and disgusted. "I am appalled and disgusted" said one un-named Kenny Everett looky likey. "It's not that these items have been sold that I find hard to fathom, although it does raise issues about the mental health of people who would pay money for an Unlabel album, but what has happened to the money?"
Further investigations revealed that over 52p has disappeared from the accounts "That money could have gone on toilet rolls!" screamed one cross-legged punter.
The allegations don't end there though. It is understood that managers at The Forum ignored allegations of sexual improprieties brought by another member of staff. It is understood that the charges involve 'looking at people in a funny unsettling way', and threats to the person including putting parts of the body in other parts of the body where they would probably not fit very well no matter how hard you push them, or what lubricants you use. The victim, who wishes to remain anonymous, told Blam exclusively "There I was, in the balcony, doing my usual job of being the evil soundguy, when a shadowy, lanky tall figure dressed in a Victorian frock coat and looking a bit like a seedy version of ex-Spandau singer Tony Hadley and TV chef Gary Rhodes suddenly loomed over me. "Put these posters up laddie" he said "or I'll introduce your arse to a pain few men have known, and loved". Naturally I was horrified. I phoned Jason and Mark but they both laughed and said it was just his funny old-fashioned charm. Still, I don't like the way he keeps asking me what size trousers I take."


Blam is owned and produced by The Forum. We are poor starving musicians and artists who don't even have a garret so there is very little point in coming after us for money just because we accused you of being a donkey basher, but if you are really intent on litigation, then you sue us via
The Forum, Fonthill, The Common, Fonthill, Tunbridge Wells, Kent TN4 8YU
But nine times out of ten I wouldn't bother because our lawyers, FULLER, SCHEIDT & BLAGG are the fastest legal minds in Cricklewood. The above article may seem to imply that we take lightly serious issues of the day, and that a vague undercurrent of homophobia underpins this magazine and the general working atmosphere of the Forum. We would like to apologise to all you cock monkeys out there who are offended by our schoolboy-ish attempts at humour, which basically amounts to shouting arsebandit at people and then running away to a safe distance. It is not our intention to denigrate the practice of manlove, turd burgling, felching, sausage piloting, uphill gardening or cottaging in any way, we just find it funny. And for that we cannot apologise enough. Sorry.


Goldblade
One Above Nothing
Saturday 12 April

"Do you believe in the power of rock 'n' roll?" Goldblade's John Robb does, and by the time he's asked you for the twentieth time you will too. No fags or beer for phwoarsome John - the terrifyingly gym-hardened singer is as straight edge as they come, his only crutch being fast, loud and euphoric music.
If you don't know John Robb, you'll know his face. The boundlessly energetic musician, author, producer, journalist, model and TV star is the Mancunian with the brush bristle quiff, comic book cheekbones, superhero physique (at Gold Blade gigs, you could lay bets on how many songs he'll last before whipping off his fur bomber jacket and showing off his pecs) and a cheeky glint in his eye, who always crops up on those I Love the Top Ten of 1977 punk shows.Gold Blade however, is his main project: a shamelessly fundamentalist collision of The Ramones, James Brown and The Stooges, typified by the anthemic Strictly Hardcore , coming on like the missing link between the Anti-Nowhere League, the Clash and....the Glitter Band! Throughout their set, Robb comes across like a rock 'n' roll Billy Graham, bug-eyed and wired on adrenalin, slapping high-fives with the front row and bellowing exhortations to join him in his devotion.
 His band of tattooed rockabilly rebels are backed by the tribal thump of not one but two drummers. Gold Blade may have their rivals in the testifying punk-rock-soul genre (notably The Make-Up and Jon Spencer Blues Explosion), but you won't see a more inspiring, thrilling, enlivening show from any of them. Goldblade really put on one of the best live shows you'll see. Check out their sound on http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/50/gold_blade.html


Melaleuca
Tuesday 29 April

Back due to popular demand from 'the ladies' of the Forum are Farnborough three-piece, MELALEUCA, featuring swoonsome Simon Edwards on guitar-mangling, special X-factor stage presence, vocal histrionics and bizarre haircut. To quote one Steve Danger of this parish, "...like a breezeblock to the back of your head, MELALEUCA make you feel numb, they make you feel pain, but mostly they make you feel the air rushing in the newly formed hole in your skull, swirling round your left hemisphere. With their blend of At The Drive-In, Muse, Will Haven and Dillinger Escape Plan-isms, the filthy 'Leuca are industrial heavy grunge mixed with melody and sheer brutality..."
Following the release of their new EP BALANCE & CONFIDENCE, featuring tracks like the gobsmackin' End Communication, almost like a 21st century Beethoven symphony, these lads deserve, nay, demand heavy rotation on MTV. KERRANG!, and errr....QVC! Yes, I realise it's a Tuesday night, but do yourself a big, big favour and catch this band while their feet are still on the ground.


Farse
Schism
Friday 4 April

Absolute top notch Brummie Ska Punk. Highly rated and with an ever increasing fan base release their second album on Moon Ska Europe. Featuring a blistering production recorded at UB40's Dep International Studios, the album contains the bands hard hitting melodic punk and foot tapping ska rhythms. Viewed by many as Britains answer to Sublime and Long Beach Dub Allstars.
The band's debut album "Means To An End" on Sucka Punch Records has clocked up over 2000 sales through UK shops, mail order and gig sales without any noticeable media support.
The band who have already toured extensively across the UK including supports to Reel Big Fish, Mad Caddies, Voodoo Glow Skulls, King Prawn, Capdown and top 10 Punkers Bowling For Soup.
With influences ranging from Iron Maiden to Bob Marley, the lads' unique blend of hardcore, emo, ska and punk is always a surefire winner with the Forum funstas.


Jesse James
Howards Alias
Half Inch Heroes
Saturday 5 April

Heavy heavy soul ska punkers JESSE JAMES are an amalgam of Dexy's Midnight Runners, Clash City Westway angst and Black & White hair gel! For a rollicking brass powered skank machine, look no further for a sweatstained, tearstained, beerstained evening.


Rude Bones
Ye Wiles
Saturday 26 April

Japanese ska punkers RUDE BONES will be sharing the stage with local lads, Dave, Gabriel, Andre and the other one, when YE WILES return to the warmth of their heartland after playing with those rough boys at HOUSEHOLDNAME RECORDS since they signed with them 6 months ago. Sparrows arse tight rhythms, Frank Muir like wordplay, gorgeous pouting bassists, AND electric violins all play their part in the stop/start YE WILES splendiferous SK-ART PUNK mayhem.


The Warlocks
Joeyfat
Saturday 19 April

Occupying a space somewhere between Spiritualized's fragile comedown rock, and stroppy Velvet's riffing, rather like the Exploding Plastic Inevitable, San Francisco based The Warlock's shows have a reputation of being events. But the expense of putting on a show featuring two drummers, three guitarists and an epilepsy inducing strobe and light show means that the band have so far only ever been able to tour America since they formed three years ago.Consisting of JC Rees, Corey Lee Granet, and Jeff Levitz on guitars; Laura Grisby on tambourine, organ and vocals. There are two drummers -- Danny Hole and Jason Anchondo --bashing away simultaneously on full-sized kits.At the vortex of this cross-fire hurricane is guitarist/bassist/lead vocalist Bobby Hecksher. He writes all of the band's songs, whether they're fourteen-minute gotterdammerung assaults or pastoral acoustic-strummed meditations. As for their influences, well, some rock critics like to point out their obvious love of the Velvet Underground, but they could just as easily mentioned the Rolling Stones, or Pink Floyd (circa Atom Heart Mother), or the Stooges (circa Funhouse).


The 'Burn
Urbansound
Friday 18 April

Named in tribute to "I'm a toupee wearing lard arse get me the **** out of here" winner, Tony Blackburn, THE 'BURN co-incidentally hail from Blackburn in Lancashire, weird eh? Following recording their demo in Damon Gough's studio, the lads were quickly signed to Hut. Citing influences like The La's, The Rolling Stones, Shack and Van Morrison, the 'Burn have of late caught the eye of the brothers Gallagher. However, once part of the same fraternity as THE MUSIC and THE CORAL, studio tans and one too many Weller supports have seen them unfairly fall behind their peers. Time will tell if their raucous ladrock bottlenecked blues, like a soundtrack to a bad pill, culminates in the 'Burn perching precariously between Arthur Lee's melodic paranoia, and the Coral's madcap inventive sea-shanties . "A genuinely exciting, raw guitar band, capable of anything they want" - NME
(What, even sounding like The Levellers being beaten up by The Music? - Ed)


FUNERAL for a FRIEND
Friday 25 April

In an age of musical fusion and genre straddling hybrids there are few surprises and fewer revelations, Funeral For A Friend are truly an exception.
Taking the emotional drive and melodic heart of emo, the gut-driven power of rock and the hardworking ethic of hardcore, FFAF are as potent and intense a band as you could wish for. And while there is undeniably a muscular aggression within their sound, their true strength lies in their dedication to the art of writing songs!
Like Jimmy Eat World, Boy Sets Fire, Hundred Reasons and Waterdown, Funeral For A Friend are fuelled by emotion and a desire to captivate through the power of their music. The gloriously expressive voice of Matt Davies soars over the layered and complex interplay of the band, creating an entity that truly boasts a beating heart.
Signed to Mighty Atom Records (home to Liberty37 and Goatboy) the Welsh quintet released their debut EP 'Between Order And Model', only last August 12 2002. Produced and mixed by Joe Gibb (Jane's Addiction, Catatonia, Leftfield) it features four tracks and offers an impressive introduction to the world of Funeral For A Friend.


The Bandits
One Day Elliott
Friday 11 April

Hard as it is to believe, ex-England striker Peter Beardsley is responsible for christening The Bandits. During Beardsleys spells at Liverpool - Peter lived next-door to Bandits vocalist Gary's nan. (keep up at the back - trivia Ed)As a huge fan of 'Beardo', Gary would insist on a kickabout during visits. "We used to knock a footie around in me Nan's back garden " the Bandit explains "Cos of my long hair and the toy gun I always used to carry around with me he used to call me a Bandit." "Gary told us about it, " laughs John" and we all said that was a boss name for a band". Having signed to Warner Brothers, cosmic Scousers The Bandits are part of of Liverpool's musical renaissance and bezzie mates with THE CORAL
Legendary producer John Leckie (Stone Roses, Radiohead) waived his usual six-figure fee to work with them for nowt. They've even attracted a bevy of females groupies in the city who call themselves The Bandettes. Not a bad trot for a band that have been together in their current six amigo incarnation for just eight months.
It all started at Glastonbury 2000. A huge gaggle of Liverpool's musical mischief makers headed down to Glastonbury to drop acid and watch the sunrise at the stone circle. Amongst them were Gary Murphy, his old school mate Scott, John Robinson and Tony Donne chief of organs and keyboards. Sometime over that crazed weekend Gary played he group the sure-fire future top-10 single 'Take It And Run' a cheeky, scampy ode to blagging. Check the Bandits out, and find out exactly what all the fuss is about.
Also appearing tonight are pop punk geezers, Maidstone based ONE DAY ELLIOTT. For more info go to www.onedayelliott.co.uk


Friends of the Forum

Folk at the Forum
Vikki Clayton
Tuesday 1st April

Having been reared on a diet of jazz , Broadway show tunes, and Bob Dylan, VIKKI CLAYTON, has been a mainstay of the British folk circuit. It was in 1990, having heard Vikki's second album, LOST LADY FOUND, Fairport Convention invited her to perform with them at the Cropredy Festival to sing songs by the late Sandy Denny. It went well so well that Vikki is now a regular performer with the mighty Fairport. Following tours with both Gordon Giltrap and John Martyn, her connection with Fairport was cemented by Vikki recording an album of Sandy Denny songs entitled 'IT SUITS ME WELL'

QUIDS INN
Thursday 3 April

Yes! A funfilled frivolous, imbibulous evening hosted by Friends of the Forum. For one night only,one whole English pound will gain you entry to a night where selected drinks are only 1.00! Be they shorts, or selected bottled beers, a pathetic one pound coin will be your passport to a liver transplant!

Son of UNIVERSALLY CHALLENGED
Wednesday 30 April

After the outstanding landslide victory of Randall's U-Bender's team at the last Universally Challenged, it has been decided that the lanky one must be handicapped/knobbled once and for all at this months competition by only being allowed to answer questions concerning music of the past 10 years. This will ensure the 'Silver Fox' will be flummoxed, seeing as he knows shite all about anything that happened after the strangely bequiffed A Flock of Seagulls split up!
Universally Challenged is the brainchild of FRIENDS OF THE FORUM, all proceeds going to the special FRIENDS OF THE FORUM chest to enable more diverse acts to be promoted at the Forum. So, if you have any mates, form a team, ideally of 4-6 and come on down! Fantastic prizes for all as everyone's a winner!

"Ask not what the Forum can do for you....but what YOU can do for the Forum..."
Sunday 6 April

As you, the customers of the Forum, are aware, the Forum unlike other venues does not receive any public subsidies or have a wealthy backer and therefore has to attempt to run within its means, that is not lose vast amounts of money.
This we have done with varying levels of success, and we appreciate all the support that we have received over the years.
There are, as you all know, many forms of music and arts that we could put on at the Forum, that we are simply unable to as they are simply not commercially viable.
A group of "Friends" have decided to look at the possibility of forming a charity - Friends of the Forum and Arts in Tunbridge Wells" to put on events such as world music, art exhibitions, theatre, jazz, classical, that due to economic reasons would not normally be part of the Forum's programme. This would be run separately from the existing set up at the Forum.
In the coming months this organisation will be launched and there will need to be a committee and members to help. If there is anyone interested in this please contact:
Ian on 07974 364383 or turn up to discuss this on Sunday night over a beer or two


Little Hell
Lo Fi Radio
Uundertow
Thursday 17 April

Fresh from their support slot with AMEN the other month, LITTLE HELL return to our little shithole to "...blast you with their venomously debased rock; to bring a little piece of Hell direct to your door, and steal all the darkest emotions from the deepest recesses of your mind and reproduce them sonically..." Quick everybody ....run! Run like the wind! (Are you sure that's the correct photo on the left then? - scared Ed) Formed from the wreckage of BritRock outfit, CARRIE, their surf-rock image was already masking a darker content, including drug abuse and S&M sex (It's amazing what Marks & Spencers sell now! - consumer Ed). Or as Metal Hammer describes them, " A punked up Marilyn Manson crossed with the inane ramblings of a smacked out Jane's Addiction. Splendid!" Moving swiftly on to Preston based three piece, LO FI RADIO then "Everything I write is very robotic and simple," says guitarist, Jon , "I've always said - you just keep everything simple, all down the line, very open. It's free for interpretation then, isn't it? If anybody ever says to us, what kind of music are you, I'll tell them blatantly we're rock 'n' roll. 4/4 blues, dead simple" . The missing link between the Stooges, JJ72 and Robert Johnson's Mississippi delta sludge. Also appearing tonite will be heavy melodic rock Stable lads from Rye, UNDERTOW, who've all changed their names by deed poll to Dan.
Check out their website at www.undertow.co.uk


THE STABLE

Yes folks, Round Two of the Stable (The Fans Choice) continues into April, and have we got a fantastic foursome of fab acts for you......... have we...?
7th April features: the Rev. Als' lads, the band formerly known as something else, now known as 'Formerly Known As', or FKA to their mighty throng of fans. MEDIUM STEVE, featuring what looks like Eminems little brother (check out www.mediumsteve.8m.com), and garage rockers, THE IMPECCABLES.
14th April sees Bexhill's finest, AXE MAN DAN, and Crowborough 4 piece punkstas, KUDOS.
On the 21st April, funk-punx DUFUZ, pictured taking a rest from farm labouring in Hildenborough. SEQUANA (so named after the Celtic goddess of the river Seine, fact fans), purvey their brand of emo punk, take a gander at www.sequana.cjb.net) and Round One Table toppers, THE CATCH find out if they have the stamina to stay the distance.
28th April plays host to: skacore brassed up six piece, HENRY HOLDS HIS OWN, pop rockers HUSH featuring not one, not two, but three lurvely ladies..and two strapping lads! and last, but definitely not least, funk rockers,
MR DRUMMOND, featuring the impossibly, exquisitely Dickensian / Ian Duryesquely named Barney Cockell.


CONTACT US
We always like to hear from new contributors, new bands, new people, people who hate swearing, big ones, small ones, some as big as your head.
You can write to us at
The Forum, Fonthill, The Common,
Tunbridge Wells, Kent, TN4 8YU

We have a really lovely website where you can find out all about what's on. That's at
www.twforum.co.uk
which is a much easier address to remember than the last one, so now you have no excuse. You can also email us, so do that to:
twforum@globalnet.co.uk
On the website you can book tickets, find out what's coming up, get a map, get a life, dress a virtual Lawrence in ladies underwear, and after all that, you can go on our message board and start arguing about exactly which barstool ex-Pistol Glen Matlock parked his pert buttocks on. The address for that is
http://members.boardhost.com/twforum


Lifted (with permission) from the April edition of BLAM! - All queries regarding libel actions should be directed to them

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