Controversy was heaped upon discord and
smothered with a smooth lashing of vitriol this week as the Forum's annual
Big Brother experiment drew to a sad and sorry close. After sixty four
days that left the common agape at the antics of the "inmates", the
producers of this year's shenanigans have announced there will be no
contest next year due to the high levels of boredom experienced by the
viewers. A mere ten minutes into the event this year the initial ten
contestants were whittled down to only nine when Wolff announced
that he couldn't take the pressure and asked to be allowed to leave. Only
four minutes later, Tom House too decided he had seen enough and
staged a daring and dangerous escape by pushing open the fire escape at
the back of the building that the council workmen thoughtfully left with a
six inch gap some three years ago when they promised to return the next
day and sort it out.
(Incidentally, Geoff Levitt = Wanker).
Attempts by the producers to bring in new contestants upset the balance of the show, with viewers complaining that bringing in new guests who could speak rationally and had interesting views was clearly against Forum policy. Events then took a bizarre turn with a seven day long argument amongst the bar staff about whose responsibility it was to put loo roll in the ladies toilet. This was eventually settled when it was agreed by all concerned that toilet paper wasn't strictly needed by girls as they could wee in the shower at home before coming to the club. There then ensued five days of extreme tedium, until finally the producers stepped in and divided the Forum into two halves. One half was to be filled with interesting anecdotes from strangely amusing people with fascinating and skewed views of the world that would make for great viewing, with the second half consisting of those members of staffwho would rather talk about the day they met Noel Gallagher or how nice looking the girl from Muttley's Dastardly Skam is. This fantastic ruse only fell on to stony ground three days later when it was discovered one half of the club was empty.
Viewers soon found their favourite members of staff, though. Ian Carvell proved particularly popular with the Temperance league after refusing to serve anybody under the age of sixty unless accompanied by their parents. Mark Davyd attracted the attentions of Tippex who have offered him a six year contract to develop the formula that allows him to shout a lot and annoy people without ever actually being seen, into an on the shelf product for eliminating traces of everything, no matter how irritating it is. Randall proved a big hit with lady viewers, many of whom felt comfortable and unthreatened with his love of musicals, clean dress sense, attention to detail when ironing and his reminiscences about drag karaoke bars.
In the end though there were only two contestants in it. Would the viewers choose the boy Lawrence, who spent most of his time at the club clipping his chest hair and offering another show to The Hurt Process? or would the crown go to Jason, who viewers loved for his grasp of geography, although they were somewhat surprised to hear him announce that he thought that Southborough was possibly somewhere in his living room? On the last day of voting it all became arbitrary in any case as the producers realised that no matter who won, eventually all the money would go to Tunbridge Wells Borough Council for keeping the building in such a brilliant condition over the last ten years.
We would like to take this opportunity to apologize to Tunbridge Wells Borough Council in general and Geoff Levitt, the Director of Finance, in particular for the above article which implies that Geoff is a wanker. And that they are a tight fisted bunch of money grabbing cunts who couldn't give a flying fuck about the state of the building and are happy to shit on the local youth community provided they can keep General Brigadier Fotherington-Thomas Arsehole III happy by capping his rates for his fifty four bedroom mansion down to 8p per year. Clearly, as you can judge for yourselves from the immaculate state of the building, the damp free walls, the perfect ceilings, the great guttering, the superb pathways, excellent external lighting and the generous and care free way they installed air conditioning in 1996 (when they first agreed to do so). It is only for comedic effect they we would suggest that they were anything other than the world's greatest landlords. Thankfully, it is so clearly not the case that they are a bunch of total arsewipes who couldn't organise a piss in a urinal, that we feel safe in the knowledge that their track record for effective building management speaks for itself no matter what we say in this satirical magazine. And Geoff is clearly not a wanker as the other lodge members wouldn't like it!
Saturday 10th August
All singing, all dancing, Scottish three piece BIFFY CLYRO were formed in in Kilmarnock in the mid 90s. Originally influenced by Fugazi, Nirvana, Korn and singer Simon's Big Muff fuzz pedal, the lads have since carved their own unique sound. On their debut album, BLACKENED SKY the true face of The Biffs was revealed. A band of light and shade, tense and release dynamics (and breathe - don't push until you see the baby's head!), with a masterful grasp of melody that is quite jaw-dropping for such a young band. A combination of aggressive screaming and sparse emotional melodies go to create a panavista of restrained elegance. Quite simply, the Biff's have a bulging boxershort full of cracking songs, a band with mass appeal, already banging their heads on the ceiling of playing small venues. Go see.
Saturday 17th August
Friday 16th August
Crossfirenight is a club night tailored for people who like to be in an
'attitude-free' party night with a difference. Building through word of
mouth on the skate scene, the club has been hosting nights at venues
across London. Skaters, punx, skamongers, metalheadz and the bigbeat
brigade collide in the same place, and enjoy new bands before they hit the
mainstream. At the same time enjoying visual stimulation from the
selection of brand new short films, skate videos and much much more.
Having worked as an A&R manager at Mercury Records for five years, Crossfirenight mainman, Zac Crossfire, decided to jack it all in and return to his first love .....skateboarding. Says Zac, "..I had enough of being told what to do, and major labels never seemed to listen to their employees, so I decided to try my luck at creating a new scene, actually doing things I really wanted to do; which is enjoy my skating, writing music and helping musicians and fans find the right mix of music to go out and enjoy............I find the average gig boring these days, I felt that live shows needed an injection of fun and unadulterated malarkey fired into them..."
The world of Crossfire now consists of a clothing label, a fanzine, "Caught In The Crossfire", club nights, and an outlet for all the bands who play on these multi media nights. Just ask: The Eighties, Matchbox B-Line Disaster, Serafin, Elviss and LITTLE HELL (see right, straight off a tour with Rival Schools). Soon, Crossfire will be releasing a compilation record label and starting a skateboard company to go with the current nationwide tour! Does this man never sleep?
Crossfire Nights also have the exciting bonus of a jamboree of raffle prizes; clothes, bags, skate vids, records and anything else Zac can get his grubby mitts on! Death Skateboards, Eastpak and Crossfire Clothing will be providing the evening's raffle prizes. Lucky winners will also be able to claim a www.TotalRock.com goodie bags. If you fail to win the raffle, there's still the FREEBIE table where you can pick up the latest Epitaph Records promo releases, stickers, badges and more!
10 free tickets are available by answering this question, then going to email@example.com
Which new rock band will be headlining the Forum on Friday, 16th August?
a) Little Hell, b) Chas 'n' Dave, or c) an Ikea wardrobe
Hell is for Heroes
Wednesday, 21st August
Following in the well-worn tracks of the thriving hardcore movement, HELL IS FOR HEROES are already signed to a major label, and share the same management as Papa Roach. Unlike most other hardcore acts, these boys are not just another hardcore/emo compilation album act. No sirree! With Justin Schlosberg's powerful, gutteral croon, which at times is eerily reminiscent of Afghan Whigs' Greg Dulli, combined with guitarist Will MsGonagle's harder than Helmet, almost Deftonesesque riffing. This is short sharp rock. This is ants-in-your-pants nu-rock metal
Hydra Waters Elbow
Saturday, 24th August
Shortly to be in need of a new drummer, originally formed by a gang of Old Juddians as a diversion from West Kent Under 14 Mud Wrestling/Netball practice. Local wunderkinder, PUNCHDRUNK, (featuring Steve Dangerous's pin-up boy, bassist Jeremy Pritchard, pictured left) have gone from strength to strength, even coaxing a begrudging thumbs-up from our very own curmudgeon-in-residence Randall! Vocalist David Milner and the rest of the 'drunkards have combined a wide range of influences; from Steve Reich to Barclay James Harvest, stopping at all stations in between, like Elbow and Portishead, to create a unique sound that really is " a bit good". Catch them live before they're too famous to be seen hanging around Spud-U-Like in the RVP!
Put The Boot In!
Kick Drum Mic. Charity All Dayer Monday 26th August
FESTIE AT THE THE FORUM
Wednesday 28th August
Friday 30th August
Hailing from that open-plan cemetery, or if you will 'God's Waiting Room'
- Eastbourne. Three-piece EASYWORLD 's bright & poppy guitar-driven sound
is musical lightyears away from Toploader, the other music export to
emerge from the blue-rinsed Sussex coastal town. Where Toploader are the
Terry Wogan and comfy slippers of Dad-Rock, EASYWORLD are still in their
adolescence painting their bedrooms black, and hanging 'Parents Keep Out'
signs on the door, metaphorically speaking of course!. A veritable
cornucopia of musical Jekyll & Hydedness (!), the band have a
schizophrenic urge to lurch gracefully between punk and almost winsome pop
sensibilities. All this with a Thom Yorke twitching falsetto on top.
Imagine a boiled egg eating contest between the Bluetones, Supergrass and
an intensive care defibrillator.
Saturday 31st August
Coming soon to a shithouse near you....
INME Saturday, 7th Sept
THE STABLE FANS VOTE FINAL
Saturday, 14th September
NERF HERDER, VANILLA POD & Capt Everything
Friday, 13th Sept
RACHEL STAMP Friday, 27th Sept
MARAH Saturday, 28th Sept
THE PIETASTERS Friday, 11th October
COSMIC ROUGH RIDERS Friday, 18th October
METAL HAMMER TOUR Saturday, 12th October
GOLFING ON THE MOON TOUR Friday, 25th October
DEM BROOKLYN BUMS Saturday, 2nd November
BIG D & THE KIDS TABLE Friday, 22nd November