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BLAM December 2006

A word in your ear...

"...I'd never heard of 'em before you..."

Yes it's that time of year you have all been waiting for, when we announce the completely factually based Blam COOL list 2006. This is the poll the stars really want to be in, and it's not just a page filler we made up over a café latte and a croissant this morning, oh no. This list represents the absolutely coolest of the cool, as we polled them in a quick whip round in the office less than thirty seconds ago.
A shock surprise in at number one with a bullet is Kate Madeupname, lead singer of The Unknowns. The reason she's so cool is because you've never heard of her and it makes us look big and clever. The appropriately named number two is Tarquin Poshrotter, lead singer of The Fuckmewhatahorridnoise, a band we have been putting on the front cover and pretending they are huge, when in fact nobody has ever heard of them and nobody cares what they are doing. Our relentless pursuit of plugging this band until you are utterly sick and tired of them is in no way related to the fact that the bass player's dad owns half of Wiltshire, and we are secretly hoping that one of the group's extremely well connected parents might buy us out for a few quid.

Also taking his rightful place in the poll (as he was the only person we could think of) is local legend and mainstay of the angst-pop-mental-anguish-no-wave-new-rhythm-single-chord maestros Joeyfat, Mr M Edward Cole, currently celebrating the release of his debut solo work under the simple name M. Other than that we rather ran out of ideas on this one, so we put some women in to be controversial, some more people you haven't heard of (gosh, we are so much better than you!), and the odd person with some modicum of talent but we couldn't think of anybody else. We have no idea whether they are cool or not, but as nobody reads Blam anyway it won't make any difference who we put in the poll.
Apparently, and this is only a rumour but it's worth putting it about, sales of the NME are so bad that in spite of it being the only national music weekly and having no competition whatsoever, it is in severe danger of being closed down. Let's see if we can work out why that might be? Let's do a reader poll - write in if you have bought the NME in the last five years, and tell us what on earth possessed you.


Blam is owned and produced by The Forum. We are poor starving musicians and artists who don't even have a garret so there is very little point in coming after us for money just because we accused you of being a donkey basher, but if you are really intent on litigation, then you sue us via

The Forum, Fonthill, The Common, Tunbridge Wells, Kent TN4 8YU

But nine times out of ten I wouldn't bother because our lawyers, Shyster, Rippemhoff & Felch are the fastest legal minds in Cricklewood. I would like to apologise that the above editorial isn't as funny as it could be, given the frankly ludicrous idea of putting a totally random poll in your pathetic newspaper. You would think this would provide an ideal opportunity for some sparkling satire, but I think the idea was almost unsatirisable. We also considered taking the mick out of Greg Clark, given that he has quietly announced that he is slightly to the left of Arthur Scargill, of the poisoning of a KGB spy, couldn't think of anything funny to say, and of doing a highly amusing twist on the Britney sex video scandal, but then they announced there wasn't one, which left most of The Forum staff devastated, so we had to make this up at the last moment. We absolutely promise to come up with something highly hilarious to celebrate the new year next month. Happy Xmas, go easy on the mince pies.


9-volt
Night Without Sleep
Saturday 2nd

It's certainly been a tough year for 9 Volt, but crikey it's been worth it. Having coped with numerous changes in their rhythm section, Crowborough's finest are back where they belong, headlining their favourite venue, and they're better than ever.
So, what have those naughty boys been up to? Well, it's all shrouded in mystery and hearsay, but the rumour currently going around is that leather-lunged frontman Choad had a moment of drunken inspiration while lying on the floor catching the drips from the Forum's bar taps in his open mouth, so steamed halfway across the world in his battered Landrover, kidnapped drummer Davey Richardson from the clutches of the Triads in a Bangkok brothel, dragged him back kicking and squealing, hacked out the breast implants with a Stanley knife, put him in trousers and gave him a crash course in the difference between drum rolls and bum holes. On the return journey however, while Davey hid under a tarpaulin whinging about getting his dress covered in axle grease, bassist and pet wookie Greg Cheney was seized under quarantine laws by Burmese customs officials, but bit the arresting officer, broke his leash and was last seem running through the jungle in the direction of China exhibiting the symptoms of rabies.
When back in exotic Crowborough, The Choadlet enlisted the help of fellow guitarist Jamie "I'm the sensible one, me" Straker and in a fit of derring-do worthy of James Bond (not one of the good ones though. Maybe George Lazenby), armed only with a set of socket spanners and a crate of Bulmers, they launched a daring assault on a secret rural location somewhere near Hawkhurst, where Sam, ex quad-stringer with the much-missed Vanishing Point, was allegedly being held against his will, forced to perform "disgusting, degrading and probably unhygienic" acts with numerous animals and filmed for a DVD entitled "Farmyard F*ck Vol 6". When confronted by a furious and raging pair of guitarists waving broken cider bottles, the desperate criminals "must have shat themselves in terror or something" (according to Sam) because they released him immediately, claiming to have "finished with him anyway", and even thrust a bundle of banknotes in Sam's hand as he left, which was no doubt a bribe to persuade his brave rescuers not to hurt them. In gratitude for their selfless and courageous rescue, Sam agreed to take over bass duties and happily donated the cash to the 9 Volt cause (after deducting the cost of a couple of cases of Stella, 40 Marlboro Lights and a packet of king size Rizla) on the understanding that they not mention his ordeal to anyone ever, least of all his missus.
Armed with money and a full compliment of band members, 9 Volt hit the studio last month to record the 5 tracks of blistering, pounding, dark and powerful heavy rock that make up their debut mini album "Unreal". With support from demonically bleak acoustic rock 'n' roll crooners Night Without Sleep, tonight's show sees it's launch (just in time for Xmas - buy one for that special someone in your life) and an eagerly awaited headline set from one of the most charismatic bands on the circuit. There's no easy way to describe 9 Volt, suffice to say that they're loud, lairy, heavier than a juggernaut up the jacksie and absolutely electric.
Go see.


It Hugs Back
4 or 5 Magicians
Beeches
The Rox
Wednesday 6th

IT HUGS BACK - After meeting in school several years, It Hugs Back have forged together a sound that deservingly wins them "next big thing" accolades on a regular basis. Consisting of: Matthew Simms - guitar & singing, Paul Michael - bass and Dimitri Sudell - drums, their lush lo-fi dream-pop will recall greats of the genre like My Bloody Valentine, while also bringing more contemporary influences. Indeed, NME recently proclaimed that "Kent could soon have it's very own Bright Eyes". With a songwriting talent beyond their years and a superb musical ear, it's very hard to disagree with them.
4 OR 5 MAGICIANS - Brighton's 4 or 5 Magicians claim to sound like "the awkwardness of Pavement, the pop tones of Weezer, the coolness of the Pixies and the endearing ineptitude of The Libertines". These may sound like lofty comparisons, but as soon as they start playing, it becomes clear that they weren't kidding. With songs that jump around with an almost schizophrenic energy and frontman Dan Ormsby's swaggering vocals, we finally have a band to be the champion of Britain's slackers.
BEECHES - Beeches are the latest hard and fast rock 'n' roll band to come flying out of London. With a frantic energy, urgent vocals and some downright awesome songs, big things should be in their future if there's any justice in the world.
THE ROX - Collectively originating from Tunbridge Wells, Sevenoaks and Edenbridge, indie rockers The Rox are making big waves within the local scene. With influences that range from The Eagles to Snow Patrol, The Rox combine fantastic melodies with beautiful harmonies to bring you simply great rock songs.


Comedy Forum
Thursday 7th

Tunbridge Wells' original AND best value for money comedy club is held the first Thursday of every month.

FOUR TOP CLASS ACTS, THE FIRST THURSDAY IN EVERY MONTH, ONLY FIVE POUNDS,
NEW LUXURIOUS TOILET FACILITIES.

For the past 5 years, on the first Thursday of every month, the Forum has played host tofour top acts from the stand-up comedy circuit. Acts that have gone on to become staples of Channel 4 (and Ceebeebies!) include; JIMMY CARR, ROB ROUSE, NINA CONTI, ELECTRIC (Big Cook, Little Cook) FORECAST and MARCUS BRIGSTOCKE. Here's your chance to see the stars of comedy before they start presenting rubbish 'Top 100 Drain Hole Covers in Southborough' stylee programmes.

QUINCY
"Big personality… bold act … sure crowd-pleaser" - City Lights
" An act to watch out for…" - Time Out
Stand-up, presenter, actor and compere, Quincy hosts his own live chat show, is a TV warm-up (BBC's Blouse and Skirts) and has presented on BBC1 Xtra and Klymaxx FM. His live comedy work includes weekends at The Comedy Store, regular weekends at Jongleurs and Jongleurs On The Road, and comedy clubs up and down the country and abroad, headlining and compering.

TONY COWARDS
"Very few funny things have come out of East Anglia...Nik Kershaw's mid-eighties pop career, the Ipswich Town defence and Delia Smith's motivational half-time speechs being the exceptions...but that is beginning to change with the arrival on the comedy scene of Tony Cowards and his attempts to raise the profile of mirth making in the humour hinterland that is East Anglia!
Tony Cowards, originally from sleepy Suffolk but now a resident "cocker-knee" in the East End of the shiny metropolis that is London, was practically press ganged into the world of stand up comedy having previously been a member of the short lived (1 performance) "Comedy Forensic Squad" at the Comedians' Graveyard in London's Wood Green and has now been performing his particular brand of hilarity all over the country for over 2 years.


Propagandhi
Pot Kettle Black
Friday 8th

PROPAGANDHI is a political punk/thrash outfit formed in Winnipeg, Manitoba in 1986 by Chris Hannah and Jord Samolesky.
Known for championing left- wing causes and standing up against human rights violations, the band'spolitical stance includes anti-racism, anti-homophobia, anti-imperialism, anti-fascism and anti-capitalism. Moral and ethical attitudes include veganism.
The band spent years touring and enjoying the popularity provided by the explosion of nu-punk in the mid 1990s. They released their second album, Less Talk, More Rock' on Fat Wreck Records. Followed four years later by 'Todays Empires', an album that signalled a major departure from their previous releases due to it's heavier, speedier and more contemporary punk sound, infused with an almost 80s metal thang.
Their most recent release was 'Potemkin City Limits' in 2005. For this particular release, Chris Hannah adopted the pseudonym 'Glen Lambert', thus causing a great deal of confusion among less observant fans, reviewers and commentators.
Also appearing tonight will be ex members of SNUFF, who now tour playing SNUFF songs in ana outfit named POT KETTLE BLACK.. Crazy, I know! Blimey, why can't we all be called Dave to avoid confusion?


Drive-by Argument
Saturday 9th

Unlike your average band, Scottish five-piece 'Drive-By Argument' does not consist of old childhood friends. In fact, their names were drawn out of a hat during their first months at university, with the object to put together project bands for their music course. Drive-By Argument did not know each other when they met up for their first rehearsal in October 2004. At this point the only thing they had in common was the fact that they all thought their fellow band members looked like idiots. However, as soon as they started playing together, something clicked and the band realised Drive-By Argument was to become much more than just a project.
Had it not been for the fact that all five were blessed with the divine gift of compromise, the five very different personalities, with equally different musical backgrounds, would have never been Compatible. With influences ranging from The Faint, The Cure, My Bloody Valentine to Kylie Minogue and beyond, 'Drive-By Argument' quickly found their music being described as 'Emotronica,' 'Dancetastica,' 'Indie Dance' or, as they describe themselves - Four To The Floor Unhappy Hardcore.
Front man Stoke's heartfelt lyrics, yearning voice and contagious synth hooks combined with the rest of the band's rocking dance-floor beats has proven to be an irresistible combination. Their very earliest Glasgow gigs saw the pilgrimage of the London music industry to Scotland and Drive-By Argument soon found themselves playing T In The Park, filling legendary Glasgow venue King Tut's Wah Wah Hut to capacity and supporting acts such as We Are Scientists, The Kooks and Orson.
After releasing, and quickly selling out a limited edition 1000 run single 'Sex Lines Are Expensive Comedy' on Scottish label One Records, the same song was then adopted by ice hockey team New York Rangers as an unofficial anthem, and it was played at the team's home games in Madison Square Gardens.
This band were supposed to be as temporary as their name, 'Drive-By Argument', but both have seemed to remain, and grow to become a new and very exciting band both live and in the studio. Their rapidly increasing fan-base love not only their adrenaline-fuelled songs, but also the bands unpretentious sense of humour. And of course their hair!
'Drive-By Argument' recently signed to Lizard King Records, [The Killers] and are preparing to record their debut album with producer Howard Gray of 'Apollo 440.' Their first single is due to be released in January, making them one of the bands to watch out for in 2007.


Intraverse
Friday 15th

Local funk rock band INTRAVERSE are to host a special Christmas charity gig to help raise some money and awareness for the Teenage Cancer Trust (TCT). The charity is especially close to their hearts having lost three friends to cancer during their time at Beacon Community College in Crowborough, and another earlier this year.
Each day in the UK 6 teenagers are diagnosed with cancer (that's approx. 2,200 diagnoses a year).Often they receive hospital treatment at inappropriate facilities alongside very young people or older people, and so in the early 1990s the Teenage Cancer Trust was established to create specialist units in NHS hospitals around the UK. TCT units are dedicated areas for teenage patients who are involved in their concept and design. As well as state-of-the-art facilities to keep patients occupied during long stays in hospital, the units provide an environment where teenagers can meet others in a similar situation. They allow patients to build friendships and mechanisms to cope with their disease without being patronised or ignored.
Joining Intraverse will be good friends JONAS3, EMPHATIC and OFFLIMIT
Doors open at 7.30pm, entry £5.

Intraverse are a four piece Funk/Rock/Alt band - www.myspace.com/intraverse
Jonas 3 are a three-piece Alt/Rock band - www.myspace.com/jonasthreeband
Emphatic are a 4 piece Rock/Alt/Grunge band - www.myspace.com/emphaticrocks
OffLimit are a three piece Rock/Alt/ band - www.myspace.com/offlimitband
Teenage Cancer Trust - www.teenagecancertrust.org


Anti-Nowhere League
Saturday 16th

The Anti Nowhere League set out on the road in 1980 to prove they could be the worst band on Gods earth, loud, violent, obnoxious yobbos with one mission... to get banned from every TV show, radio station and newspapers as possible.... they were hated by the general public as well as 'real' musicians who thought they were a disgrace to the music business(and of course the fact they were pulling more people in their live shows than they were).....with numerous encounters with the police and the authorities they have continued…Animal and the Anti Nowhere League are back….’have no fear the new age is here’, ………….the most famous export of ‘disgusted’ from Tunbridge Wells return for the Xmas bash after a manic year that has seen the band tour UK, Europe, Australia and New Zealand. The Tun Wells Xmas bash is always a great end of year thrash and always sold out so make sure you get your tickets early…………2007 is already looking good with Festivals and tours in Europe and the States already booked ………..2006 has also seen the launch of Nowhere Records Ltd on which ‘Pig Iron, the Album’ was released recently and in the New Year the fantastic ‘Road to Rampton’ will hit the shelves, also a ‘Live’ DVD will be out around Easter. More’s being written and more’s being released, so keep up with the news on the website. www.antinowhereleague.com………………….


Goodbooks
Thursday 21st

GoodBooks formed in January 2005. The music is nimble and fresh, with influences ranging from Kraftwerk to Pulp to Hot Chip. The strong vocal harmonies and quirky synth lines polish up a sound that the band call quite simply "us" - The Times helpfully called it "literate, avowedly untutored clatter".In fact, one can't open any of the weekend supplements without the 'books being tipped as the next big thing.
Their self-released EP 'Valves & Robots' created a penguin stir among all who heard it, and has now sold out. Supporting Art Brut in August is followed just a few weeks later by a support for the Magic Numbers, at the request of the Magic Numbers themselves.
Good Books are a tremendous band full of great hooks and strange sounds. Part Pavement, part Athlete (Vehicles and Animals era) they trade in great pop tunes, but with just enough of an off the wall twist that you feel you're listening to something new and interesting.
New single 'Leni' is released on Dec 4th


MooseFest
Thursday 28th

"MooseFest is a local moveable festival located in Kent. It's a festival that brings the new bands out to the people. The big MooseFests are in the summer, but all year around there are little one's, so if your a band who wants to play in front of a good crowd, play at MooseFest, you know it makes sense. "
AmanaceR are a band from Bromley, armed with tunes rife with catchy, charming, chanting melodies and songs about honest spats that happen to the best of us - without the now assumed obligatory strap-on asinine elements (common in most new bands nowadays). Off the back of local and national support slots with The Paddingtons, Brakes and Mohair, and with three accomplished E.P's self released to date, their live shows are a must see. - www.myspace.com/AmanaceRmusic
Chicago Street Sweepers-Rock 'n' Roll is not leather jackets. Rock 'n' Roll is not tattoos of stars on elbows. Rock 'n' Roll is not long hair. We are a band who live for the moment. We play music we want to play and don't fall into an hole that society ties us down too.. www.myspace.com/chicagostreetsweepers
Moving Pictures are an upcoming four-piece band from Bromley, South East London who play guitar based music recalling elements of indie bands such as Blur and Modest mouse. Formed in late 2005, MovingPictures have expanded from their native Bromley, playing at various venues in the surrounding London area with more future gigs already planned towards the end of the year.
With the confidence of Mohammed Ali, and the power and energy of the National Grid, Rawfox is the band the music industry has been waiting for.Oozing confidence and raucous power, Rawfox, a four piece London band ooze star quality.
Their influences include:Oasis,The Who,The Jam,Led zeppelin,the small faces. Rawfox give the audience something ultimately fresh. Rawfox are about having a good time and creating Modern classics witness the sound of Full On Maximum Rock n Roll at its best. www.myspace.com/rawfox


Furniture sound
Saturday 30th

In a scene where the most successful local bands have a synthesizer or a singer with a horizontal fringe, Furniture Sound are looking to escape from this pattern. The alt rock trio from T-Wells cite influences from Joeyfat, Refused and Biffy Clyro. They've just self released a 9 track CD and are cramming in a host of shows around Kent before the year is out. Music for kids who are too cool to know what cool is.


The Stable 6

In a change to our normal "let's fuck about with it and tart it up a bit" we are announcing that the Stable page will HENCEFORTH be taken DIRECTLY from the first paragraph of the biog/about me section supplied by the acts themselves on their website or myspace page.All the punctuation and spelling is "as it is". If you want more info on the bands, check out their websitelinks on the Stable page at www.twforum.co.uk .
This is what the bands are saying about themselves:

Monday 4th
AMANACER - Back in the previous millennium, the year 1999, Simon Jones and Nick Edwards formed a band called Bailey along with two other mates from school. They folded after musical differences. They then went away into different groups respectively. Nick and Si rejoined forces in the year 2002 and met Dean at a party and an Oasis gig, and from there they decided to go ahead and plug away at starting a band. Needing a drummer, they asked Dave Persiva who had been in bands before where Nick and Si had been in.(Had enough yet? - Ed)
UNDER THE THUMB is a five piece band and was formed in March 06 from a group of musicians who had previously been in other successful bands. They have recently completed the recording of their demo EP and already have a loyal and ever-growing fan base. They play a mixture indie and funk tracks and this year were chosen to play at the Maidstone River Festival.
ZOE FROM LONDON are" five friends who love music with varying tastes. We like to make noise and we like pretty flowing melodies.We like to Rock, we like you and we hope you like us".

Monday 11th
THE AUDACITY are influenced by U2, The Kooks, Stereophonics, The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Green Day and Coldplay
MOORWATER - Combining an eclectic range of influences, Moorwater create a big powerful sound complete with soaring melodies, crushing riffs, head twisting rhythms and visceral guitar work. Heavily influenced by the more progressive edge of metal/rock the bands music and personalities are not your typical metal stereotype. The goal is to create rocking music with a positive energy, to make you think as well as have a great time
STOWAWAY STERLING
Stowaway Sterling started in March 2005. We played our first gig at the TW Forum John Peel nite, Oct. 13th 2005. Most people say we're under rehearsed, which is true, but we're getting better, even if we don't quite know where we want to go. A reviewer told us backstage the other day; 'last time we slated you, but you were so much better tonight i couldn't believe it' i reckon he was probably just feelin guilty...

Monday 18th
ECLIPSE - Eclipse are a 5 piece classic rock band from in and around Tonbridge in Kent. We formed in late 2005 and are continually creating new songs and improving the old ones to the best of our ability. We are in a band for the love of the music, however a bit of money for doing soemething you love is never a bad thing!
LOCUST RESIN - Based In Crawley, west sussex, and playing a sludge fuelled brand of metalcore We recorded an 8-track demo CD limited to 500 copies, this has now sold out. we have recorded our first proper EP "A Prophecy To Burn" and a split CD with Upon Bitter Ground.
MONOCRACY - In August 2003 four 18 year olds, Alex Warren (guitar/vocals), Matt Dean (vocals/guitar), Edd Nix (bass guitar) and James Warren (percussion), formed Monocracy. Monocracy is a play on the word democracy; democracy means many in control, whereas one person controls a Monocracy. Given recent events, especially the war in Iraq, Monocracy was a memorable band name that people could relate to. The band has no strong political agenda.


Mr. Mills' Monthly Moan

Misty's Big Adventure - 11th Nov 06

Insomnia. It's a fucking bastard of an affliction when it happens, as any sufferer will tell you. Lying awake as your mind somersaults, desperate to shut down but constantly inventing new ways of preventing it, can send you to the brink of madness. Small wonder that sleep deprivation is one of the oldest and most effective forms of torture known to man, because a person will eventually hallucinate and focus on their fears, their darkest desires and the trauma of night terrors. Night Without Sleep are aptly named for they embody the paranoia and dread of dark anxious depression and restless disillusionment that insomnia forces upon it's victims. Their world is a bleak, disturbing place where danger and death lurk in the shadows, where the rejected and alone prowl badly-lit alleyways and the dregs of society seek solace in depravity and drink to numb the pain of a futile existence. An acoustic duo they may be, but sweet and fluffy they most certainly are not.
The boy Wolff croons like Nick Cave with Jim Morrison's sense of freeform beat poetry and theatrical zeal, while guitarist Jim controls the mood as well as the pace, slowing down, speeding up, twisting and perverting the melodies while the dreadlocked one falls to his knees, twists his body and flails himself across the stage, the floor and any other surface that's handy. Songs of insanity and pain, shot through with tantalising glimpses of sex and sarcasm, are not so much sung as they are spat, slobbered, barked and howled at the top of his anguished lungs, as he jumps and writhes like a demented hungry beast.
Go see. Just don't say I didn't warn you if you have nightmares.
Ever get those occasions sometimes when you leave a room, come back in shortly after and everything's changed so drastically you wonder whether you've been teleported to some alternative reality? As I return, still wiping the KFC crumbs from my mouth, I'm assaulted (if that's the word) by the surreal scene of a saucy seaside postcard come to life: a guitarist sporting a facemask and snorkel, a plump thing with tits (gender undetermined) in a knotted hankie and shades twanging a violin like a guitar, Edwardian bathing suits and some rather jolly looking youngsters making a twee, wonderfully English and quirky interpretation of parlour music, as if a young Fascinating Aida had fallen on hard times, fired their stylist and switched their lubricant of choice from champagne to meths. Is the one playing piano and singing at the front 'Kate', and if so, where's she supposed to be going? Well, that's the very least of the questions they raise, because like all the most intriguing bands, opinion is divided as to whether Birmingham's Kate Goes are genius avant-garde punk-spirited cabaret or pretentious shite, and there are convincing arguments for both.
On the one hand we have a boldly inventive and quite classy girlie Bonzo Dog for those that don't quite get it. Frightfully amusing daahling and such a naughty dig at the posh people; aren't they an absolute scream? Sugar-crusted harmonies, piano-led music-hall melodies and raucous jollity that evokes images of straw boaters, gymkhanas, punting on sunlit rivers, tea on the lawn and receding chins. Whether singing daintily about squirrels or shopping, their eclectic shapeless bounciness is bright, funny and sticks two well-manicured cartoon fingers up at the rigid rules of conformist pop.
On the other hand, beyond their more genteel repertoire is a genuinely decadent portion of rock 'n' roll wackiness, that's steeped in the soup of ideas bandied about by eccentric and playful bands such as the B52s, The Cardiacs and yes,
Misty's Big Adventure too. Just bands with no rules who enjoy having a fucking good laugh and make you feel good, you know? Kate Goes are corking fun most of the time and though they've nowhere near the genuine sublime screwiness and cut-glass class of tonight's headliners, they've got mischievous intent and the surprisingly rare gift of knowing how songs work, which could make for rather cool happenings ahead given an opportunity not to appear like a bit of a cheap gag.
You see, Kate Goes try a bit too hard to be loony and the visual joke becomes quickly redundant. See them once and you might love them. See them twice and you'll probably be embarrassed about your prior enthusiasm and put it down to lack of sobriety. After all, when the laughter and bewilderment has calmed down, we're left with a bunch of ropey birds dressed like twats, desperate to be considered interesting. Damn annoying when they actually ARE interesting musically, but maybe they just don't have the confidence yet to expect people to listen. Whatever the reason, the wacky costumes are best left to those rare artists who can pull it off, which sadly they can't. Yet.
The more I think about it (and the more drugs I consume), the more I'm convinced that all hype aside, Grandmaster Gareth is God or at least someone sent to earth on his behalf. He has 'the answer' and it's all there for us to learn from, I'm sure of it. For is it not written (in a press release somewhere) that Gareth said "Let there be music" and there was music? And that Gareth created the solar hi-fi system from toys, saucepans and whatever instruments he could get hold of in just six days and on the seventh he rested? Well if it isn't, it bloody well should be. And unlike most of the opinions preached in church, at least the wisdom of Grandmaster Gareth and his choir of brassy, screwed-up, jazzy, dancy, frolicking, psychedelic summer pop disciples makes sense and we can relate to it because it's reaffirming our own beliefs: politicians and paedophile priests are evil, nightclubs and discos are unbearably awful, life doesn't make sense so sometimes you need two brains to take it all in, and the story of love has a beginning a middle and an end. Straightforward wisdom. You can't argue with it.
Whether the lord Gareth's reluctance to take off his hat tonight is due to his rapidly spreading bald patch or simply because it's fucking freezing is hard to tell, but Misty's Big Adventure are so comforting and warm they could take the chill from an arctic wind. Don't wanna boogie? Tough. There's no room for misery in Gareth's congregation so Erotic Volvo, resplendent in his red cossie with blue bouncy hands will dance with you anyway, so just put on a pair of pink fluffy slippers and join in to any of the fab and groovy new tunes like new single "Fashion Parade" and you'll feel better for it m'dears. Heck, they're the only band in the world that can inspire you to play an egg whisk when you go to the kitchen and if that doesn't make them the saviours that put the sunshine and sparkle back into British pop then I don't know what does.
Yep, Gareth's got 'the answer' alright, for the music scene for our lives in general: "End this bland age!" and it doesn't come simpler or more obvious than that. See? Told you he was God.

Contact us

Our eager, hyperactive, willing to please, forelock-tugging, cap-doffing, can-do, nothing's-too-much trouble, highly trained, elite, ex-SAS and Girl Guides, crack squad of volunteers are waiting like coiled springs, with Sanatogen coursing through their veins, bouncing off the walls for you, and only you !

We always like to hear from new contributors, new bands, new people, people who hate swearing, big ones, small ones, some as big as your head.Because believe you me, it's a right hard slog making up all the lies, half-truths and general bollox that we lovingly/laughingly call BLAM. So If you've recently been moved to tears by the sight of a '74 Rickenbacker 4001, plugged through a Big Muff, whilst being lovingly caressed by a young gunslinger who knows his middle eights from a 'truckers gear shift' then please get in touch. Preferably with a local drugs helpline, in the meantime do not operate any heavy machinery.
You can write to us at
The Forum, Fonthill, The Common,
Tunbridge Wells, Kent, TN4 8YU
Or call the Information line on 08712 777101

We also have a website where you can find out all about what's on,
and laugh at the photos of the damp mattressed fainthearts that 'work' here. That's at
www.twforum.co.uk
You can also email us, so do that to:
twforum@globalnet.co.uk
On the website you can book tickets, find out what's coming up, get a map, get a life, identify which ne'er-do-wells have trodden the boards at the ol' shitter, check out our interactive gaming section, or go on our messageboard and start arguing whether we include too many Appalachian Nose-Flute nights in our gig programming. In fact, we beseech, nay implore you to do any of the above which would make a change from downloading hardcore 'chicks with dicks' jpgs as you'd normally do.
Please note that as well as being able to reserve tickets for all Forum shows online, tickets are also available to be purchased from the following retail outlets:
The Longplayer, 3 Grosvenor Road, Tunbridge Wells 01892 539273
Criminal Records, 6 Goods Station Road, Tunbridge Wells 01892 511776


UNIVERSALLY CHALLENGED

IF YOU KNOW:

who put the Ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding dong?
THEN STAY AT HOME ON
IF YOU KNOW:
why Johnny Borrell is such a ****
the name of Furniture Sound's drummer's granny
which gauge plectrum Choad uses?
why anybody buys Red Hot Chili Pepper CDs?
the exact year Shakin' Stevens started trembling?


Lifted (with permission) from the December edition of BLAM! - All queries regarding libel actions should be directed to them


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