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BLAM January 2004

A word in your ear...

Lanky fop accused of not knowing arse from hole in the ground shocker

Loud cheers and guffawing laughter ripped around the greater Tunbridge Wells area (including Cranbrook and that little bit of Lamberhurst that should be in Sussex but isn't) this week when a straggly, moth eaten, dazed figure was hauled out from his hidey hole underneath the ladies toilet at The Forum. It is understood that the lanky dishevelled mess was initially confused and claimed to have simply been looking into certain toilet blockages, but shortly after his emergence the armed might of the 5th Marines, the CIA and the USS Enterprise surrounded the venue and took into custody a certain "Mark Desmond Randall", the most wanted musical criminal on the UN's list of "top musical fops we'd like to see clapped in irons".
It is understood that Randall has been the subject of a massive manhunt for crimes against humanity, after it was revealed that he had been storing a huge arsenal of poisonous tunes, mellifluous melodies, and uranium enriched rhymes, and had been intending to unleash them on an unsuspecting public through the Forum's PA system.
"This man is not only dangerous" said one source who wished to remain anonymous but bore a striking resemblance to a certain DJ who used to be on Capital Radio "he is also dastardly, disreputable, a dilettante and a Desmond." Among the tunes found hidden on Randall's computer were Celine Dion, Chris Rea, Clifford T Ward and the Italian Entry to the Eurovision song contest 1974. "If you let me go free" he is understood to have told the troops "I'll tell you where I have hidden the Neil Diamond".
Dear dear readers, it is Xmas. As such, I have decided to decline to reveal how much of the above article is factually based. Have a good one, and thanks for coming this year, we appreciate it.
January 2004 is a special local band month; with four bands playing every Friday and Saturday night. Entry will be £5 per night, or £8 for a weekend pass.


Blam is owned and produced by The Forum. We are poor starving musicians and artists who don't even have a garret so there is very little point in coming after us for money just because we accused you of being a donkey basher, but if you are really intent on litigation, then you sue us via
The Forum, Fonthill, The Common, Fonthill, Tunbridge Wells, Kent TN4 8YU
But nine times out of ten I wouldn't bother because our lawyers, FULLER, SCHEIDT & BLAGGITT are the fastest legal minds in Cricklewood. We wish to make it quite clear that although we keep claiming that Joeyfat might imminently invade Poland there is actually no truth whatsoever that the band is run in the style of a fascist dictatorship, with ex band members being shipped off in cattle trucks to face all manner of unpleasantness if they accidentally play in 4/4 or hit a major chord. Anybody who says otherwise is just a troublemaker. (M Edward Cole, will this do? Please can I have my legs back now?)

The Crayons
Token ray Gun Dept
Eric
Friday 9th

The Crayons have one of the largest biographies I have ever read, and is full of stuff about how they met, who used to be in the band, when they started playing bass before agreeing to try out for the position of lead nose flute specialist. However, the problem with all of that is that it doesn't tell us all the stuff we really want to know, such as why they are influenced by mackerel, what's their favourite type of gecko, and how many times they use the diminished fourth in their average intro. Note to all bands taking part in The Stable - this month's magazine would have been the most boring read ever if we had simply used your biography pages from your websites. People don't want to know that Sam joined but then left, they want to know about important stuff like the price of your strings, your inside leg measurements, and your pleasuring of badgers as a hobby.
The Crayons have an EP available, and it is a lot more interesting than the biography on their website. They have actually got quite an interesting tale to tell, including the names Johnny Vaughn, Bob Geldof, Xfm, and The Big Breakfast. Ask them about it. They make a noise like all the best bits of the Bluetones being rogered in an uncompromising position by the best of British art school pop (think Kinks, Clearlake, Robyn Hitchcock). Token Ray Gun Department have taken the alternative route to spreading the word about themselves by creating a website that has no content. I am therefore able to make up my own details about these international men of mystery. Two of them like to go hill climbing at weekends dressed as nuns, whilst the remaining members can regularly be seen in Tunbridge Wells carrying out their mission to persuade people to eat more dairy products by dressing as Ernie the fastest milkman in the west. TRGD are influenced by Pink Floyd, Frank Zappa, Steps, Terminal Twist, The Beatles and Celine Dion, and at least some of this is true. ERIC are a four piece band from Tunbridge Wells/ Crowborough area. They like listening to bands like 'Mogwai', 'The Reindeer Section' 'Sigur Ros' and 'The Cure' and are definitely getting sick of the majority of bands on TV these days. They have played at the Forum a few times and have a sensible sized biography with information in it that might lead you to deduce what they sound like. Well done Eric.


Carpe Diem
Flee The Scene
Ebalis
All The Time
Saturday 10th

Formed during the early part of 2002, CARPE DIEM consisted of Tony ( I know Animal, me) Douglas (vocals) and Paul Seldon (Guitar), who had both decided to leave their other band and form their own. The final links were found in Doug (drums) and Mole (bass). The concept of the early material was simple - create up tempo metal songs that kicked ass and got people moving. Though Carpe Diem have only played four gigs so far in their local town of Tunbridge Wells, they are already building a reputation of not only a great original metal band, but one which delivers the most explosive live shows around. FLEE THE SCENE have a great website which is all whirly bits and things flying around, rather like Billy Smart's Circus only with JPEGs and Flash 5.0 instead of scantily clad Rumanian gymnasts. One slight problem for those of us wishing to promote the band in print however, is that you can't actually copy any of their press stuff. So, another lesson to learn there local musicians - worth having a press section of your site where you can download photos and the biog in a usable format. Anyway, FTS got together in 2003 and like Heavy Metal, although they cheerfully announce that they possibly like it more than their neighbours. Their slogan is "We're a metal band, we do what we want!" EBALIS meanwhile, is an acronym and stands for Everybody Always Lives in Sorrow. (Wow, lets have a competition to see if anybody can come up with a better one - Ed) The band line up at the moment is Troy - Vocals, James - Drums, Chris - Bass/Vocals, Andy - Guitar/Vocals, Jody - Guitar. Music wise they pitch up on the heavy end of the spectrum, parking their tent firmly in the shouty vocals with some quiet guitar bits section, right near the toilets. (Isn't that a little Dalek hiding by the bassist in their photo? - Ed)
ALL THIS TIME don't provide very many biog details, but they do let you know that at last the ball has started to roll with ATT, having played three times at the forum in just over a month. This looks set to continue as they have just recorded their first EP featuring four tracks: Song To Lift Me Up, Buried Myself Alive, So simple and Just Go Away. They are also hoping to get some All This Time T-shirts and were wondering how many people would be interested in buying one. Form an orderly queue please.


Hang the DJ
Thursday 15th

Something a tad different here whereby we introduce an amazing new concept . Ever dreamt of impressing your friends by spinning top 'platters' like 'Lady In Red', Agadoo, or anything by Joeyfat!
Well now's your chance to be the new taste-makin', lip-smackin', groovin' lurve God of a DJ.
This promises to be a rip-roarin' laugh of an evening, with a mix of the good, the bad and the downright Celine Dion being played. The Forum wil be hostage to whatever music tastes you the audience cum DJs play! However, to schedule this show, and avoid possibilities of Papa Roach being played all bloody night, you just can't turn up with your CDs or vinyl All you have to do is email twforum@globalnet.co.uk, list the 3 or 4 discs you intend to play on the night, and bingo, for 15 minutes YOU, yes YOU could be a well hung DJ!


Bad Picture
Seven Story Down
Rivers
The Impeccables
Friday 16th

Bad Picture are SO old fashioned they don't even have a website. Come on ladies, get with the 21st Century. I would have rung them up and asked them stuff, but this job is hard enough without trying to do that, and in any case it's Christmas and I have my eye on some mince pies. Consequently, can't tell you much about them, except that they don't realise the potential of being online, and are therefore possibly eccentric hermit types. In contrast, the Rivers website is marvellously over the top, claiming they are the greatest band in the history of popular music and all sorts (and their manager is an Olympic standard name-dropper - Ed) This is more the type of stuff we want, and if the band are half as good as their biography makes out then great things await them. They say that they have an incredible selection of songs and that within this collection of songs is one composition sure to become a future entry in the top 50 songs of all time, and possibly win the Nobel prize for contributions to world peace. Apparently it only takes one listen to entice the listener into a daze as the strong medley lasso's you into a trance, makes the hair's on the back of your neck stand out straight & warms you up inside. They go on to boldly state that Standing In Your Shoes will undoubtedly win Ben Hatwell & Rivers an armful of awards, and that day is not far from today. Top notch blurb and about time too. It's amazing whilst trying to write these articles how many of the bands didn't have websites or links that worked, or whose web pages and supposed information turned out to be a dead end with no content. So, SEVEN STORY DOWN are also international men of mystery, although in this particular instance my browser did prefer the information that "the page contains no data". This doesn't tell us much, but it does tell us the importance of maintaining your website if you are in a local band so that people can at least get a grip on what you might look or sound like. Speaking of which, THE IMPECCABLES couldn't be bothered by all that Biog stuff, but their website has got some really great pictures, and from these it is easy to deduce that they like the Libertines and the Strokes and all things skinny tied, jumping about and shouting. Actually, I would go so far as to describe them as Tun Wells' best dressed band. Just hope the music is as good.


Iskra
Lo-Odio
Novacaine
Veldt
Saturday 17th

They would probably be the first to admit it, but ISKRA owe more than a passing debt to Pink Floyd and not to make the comparison would be foolhardy because at times it's virtually blatant, as is the distinct influence of early Hogarth-era Marillion, but it doesn't alter the fact that they're damn talented young men. Solitary keys, fluid angular bass and a ton of feedback, slowly build into gorgeous Snowy White-esque guitar gregarious, Gregorious Hawkwind/Amon Duul-esque melodies weave an Ozricsy web of abstract new age psychedelia (Nice photo by the way fellahs - serious Ed). LO-ODIO website describe themselves thus: "...As you can see, there is no information about us.There are two reasons for this: Firstly, we are a bit hard to describe, and none of us being music jouno types we havn't the first idea what meaningless genre to catoragise ouselves into. Secondly, we are lazy arseholes who can't even be arsed to put in ten minutes worth of hard graft to ensure we have a respectable, informative website...". NOVACAINE are, depending upon which particular version's website you come across are a metal band from Illinois, or an Australian bar band. Must try harder! VELDT meanwhile are the fop Randall's fave raves; Based in Brighton, Veldt record and perform songs in their own unique style, with influences ranging from sixties film scores (Morricone, Barry, Budd) to the loops and samples of the darker corners of modern pop.Vocalist, multi-instrumentalist and songwriter Lloyd Wadey, guitarist/producer James Waterland and cellist/keyboardist Mike Alexander combine to create a textured, brooding sound, evocative of the melancholia-tinged urban landscape which their lyrics reveal - a world of paranoia and self-doubt, of mornings full of regret, shot through here and there with tantalising glimpses of hope. A rough collage of 60s summer pop, Walker Brothers and early Pulp with a lounge lizard Portishead. All this, and a guitarist who's not only a Tim from'The Office' looky-likey, but also collects Air France and Pan-Am Cabin Crew uniforms and BOAC sick-bags of the 1960s. What more do you want?


Crab in a Cab
One Track Mind
At the Deli
Grapeseed Bandits
Friday 23rd

CRAB IN A CAB formed in 2002, consist of Chris Dt, the gorgeous, luscious, pouting Emma, Jack, Ali and Adam Avards, and all live in their home-made studio constructed out of yoghurt cartons and rehearse 6 hours a week (Your secret's safe with us - Ed) Bloody 'ell this is hard work.
Which of the following statements are true; ONE TRACK MIND are a) a Japanese ska-punk band. b) a melodic punk band from San Diego, California. c) a punk band from Melbourne, Australia, or d) a five piece ska punk band from Sevenoaks, who all go to Judd School in Tonbridge, believe that "...reggae was the inspiration for ska, and in turn ska-punk..." and whose website is inaccessible. The correct answer is in fact, all of them
AT THE DELI are, oh yes, a ska punk band from Pikey Country, Paddock Wood (Form the wagons into a circle - concerned Ed). So that's alright then.
Meanwhile, to ring the changes a tad, GRAPESEED BANDITS are, let me consult my notes a moment, a ska-punk band from Crowborough, who feature Claire Wickens on tonsils. Rumour has it that the Bandits are not long for this Earth, so catch 'em while you can.
To re-cap then, a veritable fest of ska-punk featuring one band who make things for Blue Peter, another band who appear to be multi-national, another who simply can't be arsed to to do any promo for themselves, and another who are splitting up after this gig ! Great!
Well thanks a lot! Bollocks. Bollocks to the lot of you. I've had enough. I'm retiring to a darkened room and leaving this crazy world of ska-punk (Sound of comforting blanket being draped around the fop's shoulders, and a kettle gently whistling on an Aga stove etc etc etc)


9-Volt
Carnies
Reasons to Remain
Zucchini
Saturday 24th

9-VOLT believe in the power of simple drama and unpretentious good tunes. Drummer Dave Richardson is a startlingly fluid and expressive drummer and works with rhythmic synchronicity alongside bassist Greg Cheney that they seem almost mentally fused together and between them they create the rare spectacle of a rhythm section actually being interesting to watch. All round good egg, frontman Chris Hoad is a potential cult heartthrob, and yet there are no signs of egotism within his spirited and versatile performance. Talking of heart throbs brings us neatly to CARNIES. Those Tonbridge ne'er-do-wells who always pack the place out wherever they play.. Deafeningly intense and rackety, the lads create a 'cacophanous controlled emo-menace' (Copyright Moanin' Millsey). Oodles of powerchord riffs, underpinned by bowel trembling drums, go hand in hand to create an exciting jagged edge nu-metal. REASONS TO REMAIN have a website that at first glance looks like a cover to a Mills and Boon romance book; the sort your Mum might read whilst having a dump. Alas, it has fuck all info on the band, as such all I learned was that their EP is called 'Broken hymens & Open arses', or something like that. Get on the case lads and sort it oot! ZUCCHINI have an exhaustive website, which having read their biog, I feel as though I know the band intimately. I must echo my colleague's earlier comments about bands biogs. We're not interested in the ephemera of your private life; we need to know what you sound like, what you look like and where you're playing. Having said that, ZUCCHINI are a fucking top-notch band with great songs, a fantastic singer, and generally a great bunch of guys. But you wouldn't necessarily glean this from their website. Cut the crap fellahs, you're worth more than your website would let us know, and I quote your own website here, "..Writing a band biography is such a difficult thing to do because it can be boring, you can babble on all day but at the same time you don't know if you
have left anything vital out, so we apologise if it sounds that way as we don't write biographies. We write and play music..." Nuff said


The Acoustic Strawbs
Wednesday 28th

Dave Cousins and Tony Hooper met at school in West London, and, influenced at first by the late 50s skiffle boom they put together a jug-band called the Gin Bottle Four. Next the pair switched to blues, folk and bluegrass music - getting into blues legend Leadbelly and traditional folk performers such as Ewan MacColl and Peggy Seeger. Originally called the Strawberry Hill Boys (in Twickenham), the Strawbs history reads like a veritable who's who of the Folk and Rock world. Past members include: folk legend, the late Sandy Denny, Led Zep's John Paul Jones and Nick Drake's cellist Claire Deniz. But it was when ex-Bowie keyboardist, the be-caped, drinkin' for England, King Arthur On Ice spectacular, pre Yes, keyboard wizard Rick Wakeman joined them in 1970 that the Strawbs sidelined their whimsical sub Fairport folkisms, and succumbed to the lure of that there new fangled elecktrickery and turned the amps up! The new band then travelled round the country on a package tour with Roy Harper, and started to get excellent reviews in the music press. Rick was with the band for little over 15 months, a period which had seen the Strawbs catapulted from the folk clubs to stardom, concert halls and electronic music. From The Witchwood is highly regarded by many as landmark in "prog" music. Moving on to 1973 saw "Part Of The Union", an atypical Strawbs song reach the number 2 slot in the UK singles chart, held off the summit by Sweet's "Blockbuster" and Slade's "Cum On Feel The Noize". Finally calling it a day in 1974, the lads have reformed and split up many times. Only after 30 years have Dave Cousins, Dave Lambert and Brian Willoughby got together to tour as the Acoustic Strawbs. Well worth checking out, and witnessing a part of rock's rich heritage.


Long Beach Shortbus
Friday 30th

Long Beach Shortbus will shortly be releasing their highly anticipated full length LP due in stores February, 2004. They kick off their tour in February 2004 with 33 dates in Europe. If you are wondering why we have them so high up the bill for January for what might seem at first glance a virtually unknown band, let's look at the line up and do some maths. Long Beach Shortbus are: Eric Wilson of Sublime and Long Beach Dub Allstars, Ras-1 of Long Beach Dub Allstars and Jah Childre, Trey Pangborn of Falling Idols, Bargain Music and Long Beach Dub Allstars and finally Damion Ramirez of Fathom, Prototype and Capitol Eye. Between them they have sold over 17 million CDs. Their new album is being brought to you by possibly the biggest independent label on the planet right now, the amazing Skunk Records. Shortbus started as a side project, away from Long Beach Dub Allstars for Wilson and Ras when they had some downtime. To RAS and Eric it was and always be about the music. They quickly recruited legendary Long Beach lead guitarist Trey Pangborn to join them in some impromptu jam sessions. Recognizing the need for a drummer, Kelly Vargas the original drummer for Sublime and Slightly Stoopid agreed to fill in until auditions could be held to find someone for full time duty on the skins. Long Beach Shortbus is the last standing legacy of Sublime and the Long Beach Dub Allstars. Their CD, "Flying Ship of Fantasy" due in February of 2004, will surely stand on its own…with or without the hype of the band members previous band affiliations. A truly exceptional show that you should not miss.
Also appearing will be 1906, formerly The Everlasting First (an Arthur Lee connection mayhaps? - Ed). Hailing from Tunbridge Wells, 1906 are garage pop/West Coast psychedelia which quite frankly is a welcome relief from the usual ska/nu-metal rut that most of the local bands appear to ploughing. This is 2004. We all want something new, something exciting, something NOW.
Are we going to get it? Only time will tell.


Unlabel Weekender
Saturday 31st - Sunday 1st Feb

Hosts a load of bands releasing records this weekend or thereabouts.
On the saturday an object will be given to attendees. This object when presented on sunday night will enable half price admission. The object may then be kept or swapped with another object on the swap table.

Saturday
Cove - mini lp imminent on jonson family records - they play tight, they play angular, they play riffs.
Matra - mini lp out on unlabel - melodic electronics and dub
Songs of my Lap - a growing reputation for surreal and sublime live sets

Sunday
Cat on Form - angry loud writhing screamery with sensive bits and ooh a little bit of politics
Charlottefield - single and lp out soon "...television meet june of 44 ..."
Hey Colossus - album out Jonson Family Records called: 'Hey Colossus Hates You and You'


Every other Thursday, it's Tunbridge Wells' original, funniest and best value for money stand-up comedy club.
At least four acts for only a fiver.

Just cast your little 'mince pies' (Been watching Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins again? - Ed) to the pix of the up coming acts appearing at Comedy Forum this month. Big names from the stand-up comedy world one and all. With the exception of Tony Law, none of them do much TV work, therefore, unless you're a live comedy afficianado you may not have heard of them. But believe you me, chances are you will very very soon.
Every month we're lucky to have 8 fantastic acts appear at out humble little shit-hole of a venue. Charging a mere five pounds admission price for each night, this really is value for money entertainment, a guaranteed laugh a minute night out.

Thursday 8th sees VALENTINE FLYGUY, ZOE LYONS and ANDREW O'NEILL. In the beginning there was Rock 'n' Roll, this in turn evolved into Rhythm 'n' Blues, which mutated into Starsky and Hutch. Amongst the would be auditionees for the part of super pimp Huggy Bear, was one Valentine Flyguy. Who having been rejected for said part, turned to a life of stand-up comedy. A wide boy with wide collars and flares, Valentine inhabits a world of mo-fo's, guns and deep fried Mars Bars.
ZOE LYONS has created a huge buzz around the London comedy circuit in recent months. Her grounding as an actress gives her great stage presence and supreme confidence which, combined with sharp writing produces a highly enjoyable act.
Thursday 22nd sees the excellent Canadian comic Tony Law. Tony has recently been the only funny thing on the Channel 4 comedy series Does Doug Know, and his stage act is superb.He shares the same surreal sense of humour as Eddie Izzard and Harry Hill. COLE PARKER has been described as a very dark physical blend of satire and surreal observation, punctuated with topical humour.
All in all, yet another fab month for comedy, so make the effort you lazy fuckers, do yourself a favour and experience for yourself the magnificence of live comedy.


Mr. Mills' Monthly Moan

Wherein our very own Victor Meldrew of the moshpit gives us the lowdown on what he's had sad occasion to witness at Europe's second largest toilet

Miss Black America
Dysuria
Saturday, 13th December

Xmas is a time for finding the magic in things isn't it? For things to work out for the best, for goodwill to all, for the past to be put firmly behind and the future to be embraced. Internal personnel difficulties have prompted a last minute plan revision and Dysuria are playing an acoustic set because, well, they haven't really got much choice in the matter. If ever proof was needed that some things are simply meant to be and clouds really do have silver linings occasionally, Dysuria have it tonight.
Stripped down to bare bones, Dysuria's emo indie wanderings are bereft of excess weight but seemingly fitter and more attractive for it. It's a very easily accessible vehicle for the smoky and frail vocals of frontman/guitarist Tom Smith and although his young voice hasn't yet developed true power and control, there's a virile edge to it that smacks of maturity and broken bile-swallowing angst.
Dysuria's tunes are built with the sort of tessellating strength that ensures they need little more than polish to make them sparkle like diamonds in a shitheap. There are faint accidental echoes of the likes of REM, Gene and The Wonderstuff, but only because of the solid reliability of the song structures and the quietly confident faith they have in their ability to execute exactly what's needed and no more. In an electric setting, such comparisons wouldn't even be considered, but Dysuria seem to be finding the whole experience an enlightening and invigorating exercise in musical freedom, which can only be a good thing. Without restriction, they realise that they can challenge themselves to add genuine depth to their ditties and the likes of "Cheater" are revealed as intelligently and steadily progressive portions of harrowing dramatic pop.
A pointless and poorly rehearsed cover of "Behind Blue Eyes" is a temporary glitch which does them zero favours considering the class of their own material, but there's little doubt tonight that whatever prompted this sudden change for Dysuria, it's opened up a whole new set of possibilities. Whether they expand upon this discovery is up to them, but when things work this well, it'd be a damn shame not to.

All hail Miss Black America. Melodiously and anthemically lauding their entrance and impending noise, Suffolk's best export since Greene King IPA have arrived to smear copious amounts of spunk and eyeliner over sunny Tunbridge Wells and make being over 30 cool again.
MBA create punk-metal pop that thrashes like a blind snake fucking a live cable. Angry and bitter glam with the same fire the Manics used to have and King Adora never even knew existed, it's got the OTT grossness of a turd on your pizza and it's just as disturbing to have delivered unexpectedly. Obtrusive, jutting, bulging music that drools and slobbers with savage levels of testosterone and cheap speed, its bastardised evil rock and roll with a wry sense of humour and a maniacal expression on it's wired fizzog.
"Drowning By Numbers" is a monster, pure and simple. Enigmatic and flippant, it's good-time jangly attitude is whipped into sk8 punk shape by the spastic blur drums of Simon Cooper but leaves just enough space for it to breathe on it's own. Seymour Glass flexes and shrieks "I'll suck cock for fame, but I'll never swallow" like a rent boy on a cocktail of Viagra and vodka, and doesn't so much sing as vomits his disillusioned rants. With their eponymous anthem backing it, for the first ten minutes or so, MBA are the greatest band on any stage anywhere. When this camp, pale, middle-England, foppish, floppy-haired white boy hollers at us that he's Miss Black America, we suddenly get the joke and it makes us smile and writhe in supplication. He's Andrew WK without the wank factor.
Their material is lavish and extravagant punchdrunk indie punk that when harnessed properly is enormous and thrilling, but as the pressure drops, MBA struggle to maintain the momentum. Lyrically and musically, the heartfelt hostility and wrath rages relentlessly onwards, never running out of venom and cynicism, but to parody their own effectiveness by injecting brief sections of "You're The One That I Want" and "Merry Xmas Everybody" into the mix is a foolish and unconcerned stab at irony that falls flat on it's Max Factored face. There is enough real tongue-in-cheek playfulness going on with MBA and to mock themselves in this fashion seems insincere and dampens their impact. Rather like having to stop sex for a fart-break.
But when all's said and done, although they might occasionally transgress the boundaries of inappropriateness, they've got songs, attitude and pure triple-distilled spirit, so whatever happens to them from now on is a reflection of that rather than marketing. God Bless Miss Black America…

COFFEE BREAK CORNER

You know, somebody once said that we all have a doppelganger (with fries), a spittin' image, a double, a looky-likey. For instance, there have been rumours that a DJ famous for a TV show featuring Hot Gossip, and creating characters likeCupid Stunt and Sid Snot has a doppelganger right here in Tunbridge Wells! Whose scam is to go into Sue Ryder charity shops and running up bills of as much as £4.32p, then having the audacity of asking for the bill to be sent to Capital Radio c/o Kenny Everett.
If my mole at the Forum is to be believed, even stranger things are afoot following reports that the (ahem) popular, hilarious Transylvanian neck-braced japester Avid Merrion of Channel Four's ' Bo Selector' has been spotted hanging around the PA balcony at the Forum. Even having the temerity to shout 'comic'things at hardworking touring bands while they're soundchecking Supposedly hilarious things like; "Could you give me a bit of bass drum and snare please", "Do your keyboards always make that funny buzzing noise?", and "I know it might sound shit to you onstage but it sounds good up here". Quite frankly, he must be stopped. Go Home Avid and bring back Max the Evil Soundguy from his self-imposed exile in Bristol.
At this juncture we would like to dispel any blatant lies that Kenny Everett and Avid Merrion will be performing a 15 minute set at HANG THE DJ nite on Thursday, January 15th .


CONTACT US
We always like to hear from new contributors, new bands, new people, people who hate swearing, big ones, small ones, some as big as your head.Because believe you me, it's a right hard slog making up all the lies, half-truths and general bollox that we lovingly/laughingly call BLAM
You can write to us at
The Forum, Fonthill, The Common,
Tunbridge Wells, Kent, TN4 8YU
Or call the office enquiry line on 01892 545792
We also have a brand new website where you can find out all about what's on, and laugh at the photos of the damp mattressed fainthearts that 'work' here. That's at
www.twforum.co.uk
You can also email us, so do that to:
twforum@globalnet.co.uk
On the website you can book tickets, find out what's coming up, get a map, get a life, play our hi-tech computer game: TOILET CLEANER 3, or go on our messageboard and start arguing whether we include too many Appalachian Nose-Flute nights in our gig programming
The address for that is http://members.boardhost.com/twforum


Lifted (with permission) from the January edition of BLAM! - All queries regarding libel actions should be directed to them

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