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BLAM July 2007

A word in your ear...

And now, the end is near……….
Friends, Romans, Countrymen, it is with a heavy heart that I come to speak to you today on this, the last day on which I will be in charge of this here editorial. After careful consideration of the thoughts and views of colleagues, punters, bands, musicians, patrons and other ne'erdowells associated with this hallowed old bog on the common, and after more than a decade in charge of every word and quip, every thinly veiled homo-erotic morsel, every pathetic attempt at an humourous vignette issued in these immortal poorly photocopied pages, I have decided to step aside and let somebody else try and clean up the mess I have created hand over to a new broom; metaphorically and physically, as somebody else will now have to mop out the toilets. Many of you have begged me to stay on (are you sure about this bit? - Ed) but I need to take a broader view and think about the future of The Forum, as well as taking into account the very real possibility that I might get lynched if I cling on for one day longer. We haven't always agreed about everything, but I want you to k now this; I did what I did because I thought it was right. If I had thought it was wrong, I wouldn't have done it, obviously, although I might have done some things which I wasn't too sure about but thought I might get away with, some that were a bit vague but seemed like a good idea at the time, and others where I thought what the hell, they'll never notice. So what has been achieved? My administration has pumped huge amounts of money into Health and Safety, particularly the toilet facilities, bringing in hundreds and hundreds of consultants to investigate what would happen if we created a panel to discuss the possibility of having a working group to initiate some blue sky thinking ideas about what people want from bog paper. I accept that there is still more work to do, such as actually buying some bog paper, but we needed to get the mechanism by which we might actually buy the bog paper in place and I think we are nearly there. Just hold on tight to your bowels and hopefully my successor will get round to Sainsbury's. We haven't sat back on that one accomplishment though, oh no. In all areas of our delivery, my administration have set realistic achievable targets; for door opening times; friendliness of staff; band performances; tuning up and many others, and it is a testament to our achievements together that only last week somebody at the bar smiled and we got everybody in before it was time to let them back out again. Only the tuning up to go there, I think we can all agree. One item more than any other has come to define and dominate my time in charge though, and that is my controversial decision to support the invasion of the stage by hundreds of ill equipped, clueless, directionless (not to mention talentless, inept, half-witted and poorly dressed) musicians who have occupied the far end of the hall and proceeded to terrorise the local population by playing their godawful "songs" at them. I accept that in hindsight I should have created a strategy for quelling the full scale revolt of the audience, and that the ensuing bloodbath in which several people sustained damage to their ears could be laid at my doorstep as my responsibility. But, I say to you, in all sincerity, in all honesty, in truth, in love, in friendship, wringing of hands, raise eyebrows, evil grin, mention God, the wife, the dog, little children, won't somebody think of the lickle bitty children…etc; HA HA HA yah boo sucks to the lot of yer, I'm outta here. And not only that, but I have filled up the diary for years to come so whoever's in charge will just have to stick it where the sun doesn't shine. I wish my successor good luck with that one, and good wishes for all his endeavours on your behalf. He has my whole hearted support, which I have illustrated by use of this supporting knife I have supportively placed between his shoulder blades.
Still, it could be worse…… we could have gone for an election and allowed Lord Snooty and his pals to be in charge.


Blam is owned and produced by The Forum. We are poor starving musicians and artists who don't even have a garret so there is very little point in coming after us for money just because we accused you of being a donkey basher, but if you are really intent on litigation, then you sue us via
The Forum, Fonthill, The Common, Tunbridge Wells, Kent TN4 8YU

But frankly, I wouldn't bother because our lawyers, Shyster, Rippemhoff & Felch are the fastest legal minds in Cricklewood.
Many local bands have written in to complain that the last two editorials failed to mention them in even the slightest derogatory tones. There's a reason for this, which is that we have been paid to build up the profile of certain members of the Forum staff. If you want to be seriously slandered in our editorial column, please send your bribes to the usual address. By the way, this month there is actually more swearing in the magazine than there is in the apology, which makes a fucking change. And we would also like to apologise that all the apologies now appear to be re-runs of previous apologies, but the point we are making is that there isn't much use in us making up rib ticklingly funny stuff to go in this bit seeing as none of you actually ever read it. As soon as we receive one single letter of complaint from anybody then we might consider writing something new. Until then, fuck off.


Comedy Forum

Thursday 5th

Tunbridge Wells' original AND best value for money comedy club is held the first Thursday of every month.
FOUR TOP CLASS ACTS, THE FIRST THURSDAY IN EVERY MONTH, ONLY FIVE POUNDS,
NEW LUXURIOUS TOILET FACILITIES.

For the past 5 years, on the first Thursday of every month, the Forum has played host tofour top acts from the stand-up comedy circuit. Acts that have gone on to become staples of Channel 4 (and Ceebeebies!) include; JIMMY CARR, ROB ROUSE, ROB DEERING, NINA CONTI, ELECTRIC (Big Cook, Little Cook) FORECAST and MARCUS BRIGSTOCKE. Here's your chance to see the stars of comedy before they start presenting rubbish 'Top 100 Drain Hole Covers in Southborough' stylee programmes.
"It should be made law that every British Citizen must go and see Jeff Innocent. He's that funny." Evening Standard
'I was always connected. I still get invited to the funerals, if you know what I mean'. From London's East End, Canning Town, JEFF INNOCENT grew up the son of a real-life villain and could have chosen a career in the family firm. Instead he worked in the 70s as a window dresser in London's fashionable Kings Road & Carnaby Street for a smart chain of boutiques and at night was moonlighting as a DJ popularizing Jamaican music. By the 80s the retail industry had lost its charm and it was time for a new challenge. Jeff enrolled at University to study for a BA in Cultural Studies and stayed on to complete a MA in History & Philosophy, before finally answering his true calling 10 years ago and taking to stand-up.
Jeff is now very much part of the comedy gentry and widely acknowledge as one of the Uk's top headlines acts and comperes. He has stormed comedy clubs all over the world including Singapore, Hong Kong, The Philippines, Dubai, Holland, Taiwan and more recently Japan.
Jeff's many television credits as actor, stand-up and presenter include; Edinburgh Nights (BBC1), I Love 1999 (BBC 1), Later with Jools Holland (BBC 2), The National Lottery Show (BBC1), The Stand Up Show (2 series for BBC 1), Take the Mike (ITV), Time Gentlemen Please (Sky), Real Eastenders (Ch4) and Brief Histories (BBC 3).
Jeff's film credits include the role of a publican in 'It Was an Accident' and he played a prisoner in 'Mean Machine' alongside Vinnie Jones.
In 2006 Jeff made a welcome return to the Edinburgh Fringe with his solo show 'Eco Worrier' . The show received rave reviews and also highlighted a few important ethic issues too.
A prolific writer, Jeff has written for The Independent and The Scotsman and contributed to the book 'Sit Down Comedy' (published by Ebury Press). Jeff is currently researching a documentary for radio and working on several TV projects including a new sketch show for Sky 1.
JOY CARTER
Nominated for the EMMA Best Comedy/Comedian 2004
Joy's vivacious personality and fabulous stage presence have helped her carve a unique niche within the comedy industry over the past few years. Working as a professional dancer and model until 2000, she travelled the world with clubs such as 'The Ministry of Sound' and 'Carwash', before deciding to concentrate solely on her comedy and presenting career.

"her northern Scunthorpe twang and honest style I really warmed to her. She was spontaneous, eccentric and a true individual unafraid of enjoying herself and being different" - www.bbc.co.uk


Servant
City sunsets
Friday 6th

"Imagine a young Liam Gallagher if he'd been raised by Quentin Crisp" (Rocksound)
"The underclass's very own poet laureate" (The Times)
...
A difficult one... No doubt...
Sometimes a band can come along and baffle you... confuse your senses... maybe even cloud your judgement...THE SERVANT are such a band... these schizoid art-rock popsters love to play havoc with conventional taste buds owing to a chaotic amalgamation of influences... a meticulous untidiness... and improperly sinister lyrics...

But, like a journalist recently said of one of their high octane live gigs: "The Servant are like the product of some schoolboy larking about with a chemistry set: they're messy, sure, but they go off with one hell of a bang" (6Music).

With Harry on vocals and lead guitar, Dom on bass and Richard and Tim, towards the end of 2004 the newly christened CITY SUNSETS started learning their instruments properly.Becoming more than capable and discovering many unknown talents. In the last year or so they have written many songs and become active on the gigging circuit, supporting such bands as The Young Knives and Towers of London resulting to first-rate reviews. With 10 tracks professionally recorded and available from many places, their music is spreading fast with no sign of slowing down.


World/Inferno Friendship Society
Saturday 7th

The World/Inferno Friendship Society can best be described as a gang rather than an actual band. The group is a rotating cabaret of punk/ska/gospel featuring horns, piano, punk rock guitar, a number of percussionists, and a mayhem-inducing live presence. The Brooklyn, NY, collective started in the late '90s and has seen over 30 members move through their ranks. Usually you can expect to see about nine or ten members on-stage when they perform.
Here's what the band say about themselves:
"NYC's disturbingly cult-like, circus-related, Halloween-tent-revival orchestra The World/Inferno Friendship Society perform red-eyed soul show tunes for the swarming punk rock masses. The World/Inferno Friendship Society is not a rock band with a horn section; it's a fully-integrated orchestra of young men and women writing for you songs of the wine, freedoms and foibles which make life more than waking up and going to work every day. Nine pieces - 2 drummers 4 horns 2 guitars way too many teeth a piano and an accordion.

Fate, my friends, loves the Fearless. And We, in turn, love You. Don't turn away from love, friends--don't be chicken. THE WORLD/INFERNO FRIENDSHIP SOCIETY is all the proof you need. With songs so sweet and a quicksilver beat, a lean 9-piece orchestra of girls and boys plays the cabaret-soul-punkety soundtrack to your romances and disasters. The vaudeville circus you always wished your life could be can be--just come and see!

THE WORLD/INFERNO is coming to your town! They are not fucking around! Full-time-fighting friends to the friendless, they're riding a wave of delicious alcohol straight into your hearts. Even if they have to buy the drinks themselves, they'll do it. Come see the circus play the dirty rock club, one night only! Come and waltz with the one you love.


The Alones
Parka
Friday 13th

Straight out of Stoke-On-Trent come THE ALONES, 4 swaggering guitar pop scally wags. You cannot rock and roll without fantastic tunes & heart & soul an attribute they possess in abundance…
Stuart Whiston (Vocals & Guitar), Mike Lo Bosco (Drums), Rob Lester (Bass) and Tom Crompton (Guitar) are at the youthful heart of a band running into a horizon brimming with the promise of very big things. After support slots with the massively hyped, The Twang and The Enemy, the foursome have been gathering their own rapidly growing snowball of attention. With echoes of New Order, early Echo and the Bunnymen, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and Oasis reverberating through them The Alone’s sound is indie music operating outside of the tight trousered fashions of the moment.For this 4 piece it’s their songs which are well heeled, resplendent with soaring melodies and huge, life affirming choruses. Unbelievably they band have only been gigging as a four piece since last November yet their talents have come to fruition quickly. They are as yet unsigned but the music industry are currently sharpening their claws, preparing to scrap it out over who’ll be first to get them to put pen to paper. It won’t be long before the driving indie rock of anthems in waiting ‘Silver’, 'Rock n Roll Show' and ‘Time is Right’ will embossed on the ears of fans of catchy guitar bands. As this beat combo say this is rock and roll with soul and energy…
Also appearing on this double headlining bill are PARKA, a ska tinged indie rock dance machine.



Eddie and the Hot Rods
Wednesday 25th

Eddie and the Hot Rods began life in 1976, when four teenagers from Southend on Sea got together and playing their own style of fast energetic rock and roll / r'n'b, were soon a big hit on the London pubrock scene, a precursor tothe punk scene that wa soon to develop.Alongside DR FEELGOOD, the canvey Island sound dominated the flourishing pub rock circuit, with lightning riffs, rough n ready vocals, and turbo-charged performances, it wasn't long before the Hot Rods were catching the eyes and ears of the music press. Following what appeared at the time to be an interminable residency at the old Wardour Street based Marquee, they were soon signed up by the legendary Island Records and went on to have three hit albums and four top forty UK singles including the Top Ten hit 'Do Anything You Wanna Do'. There have been numerous TV appearances worldwide and they have filled almost every major venue in the UK. A success in the USA too, they have toured alongside The Ramones, Tom Petty, The Police, Squeeze and Talking Heads.
"Gonna break out of this city, leave the people here behind - Looking for adventure is the type of life you'll find
Tired of doing day jobs with no thanks for what I do
I'm sure I must be someone now I'm gonna find out who"


Cherry Ghost
Saturday 28th

Is it a band? Is it a solo artist with a funny name? Is it a group of young men in love with the idea of haunting melancholy? 'Course it is! Cherry Ghost is Simon Aldred in much the same way that Smog is/are Bill Callahan, Divine Comedy is Neil Hannon and Harry Enfield is Paul Whitehouse. He describes his shimmering, bittersweet country-tinged waltz-time laments as "Willie Nelson meets Walt Disney" and belongs to that select band of people who've performed on Later... With Jools Holland before they've released a single note, which Aldred plus band did recently. "They're a word of mouth phenomenon," was Holland's introduction as they launched into the anthemic People Help The People. The full line-up being: Simon Aldred (vocals, acoustic guitar), Jim Rhodes (guitar), Ben Parsons (keyboards), Grenville Harrop (drums), Phill Anderson (bass)

Having completed a tour supporting Amy (Nice Tatts) Winehouse, Cherry Ghost - are partial to a bit of Johnny Cash, Vic Chesnutt and Greg Dulli. Athough they took their name from a line in a Wilco song (Theologians) and they're steeped in Americana, these songs of love and loss, produced by Dan Austin, part of the Massive Attack collective, are shot through with references to Aldred's beloved Bolton, placing him alongside Richard Hawley as much as any stateside balladeer as a strings-drenched northern chronicler of modern romance (no, not the frilly-shirted early 80s novelty funkateers).
Aldred signed to Heavenly last summer, since when he's been recording his debut album with a little help from Jimi Goodwin of labelmates Doves, spending three months on material that took three decades to accumulate, even if many of the characters in his songs are fictional. Take Mary On The Mend, "about a woman who's been married two or three times, lived a bit, and it's her wedding day." Or the star of Alfred the Great, based in part on Aldred's father and grandfather, "about the pride that can come out of working your guts out at a pretty thankless job every day".

"Singer-songwriters are 10 a penny, but outstanding ones are not so easy to find. These are heartbreakingly beautiful songs, with a great band to back it up." - NME

Currently to be heard wall to wall on the radio and performing a great set at Glastonbury - Cherry Ghost are ready and worthy of better things. Catch 'em at the ol' shit hole before you need to start paying ridiculous prices on ebay to see 'em.


Acoustic Lounge
feat. Lach
Ian Knapp
Tom Williams
Sunday 29th

 

Time Out calls Lach "NYC's living legend" and credits him side-by-side with Bob Dylan, Syd Barrett and The New York Dolls as the roots of the modern singer-songwriter movement. The NY Times labels Lach "The mastermind of Antifolk, like a Lower East Side rendezvous of Bob Dylan and Patti Smith." The Antifolk movement that Lach started in the early eighties has produced such well-known performers as Beck, Regina Spektor, The Moldy Peaches, Hamell on Trial and many more.
It does at times seem as if all roads lead to a mysterious figure out of NYC's East Village known simply as Lach. Google him as much as we want and he still remains an enigma. Touring rarely. Releasing only four albums over twenty years. Each album a critical darling with rave reviews from everyone from Billboard to Mojo to Spin to NME and back again. And still very little is actually known about this shadowed songwriter.

"Think battered acoustic thrashings, think sarky, smart-mouthed wit and wisdom but most importantly think Lach. Lach is rarely less than a face-ache funny, beat-punk-unplugged joy, and likely to send you home with several favourite new songs"- The Guardian

"Lach is a star! More Woody Allen than Woody Guthrie and a raised middle finger to the folk purists."-NME


The Stable

It seems almost a year ago that the first rounds of the stable 6 commenced (That's because it was, you nob - Ed) - after months of sweat, toil and tears, mainly sweat judging by the state of the backstage area - we can finally announce the 12 bands that have got through to the grand finals. And, not for the first time, there are no cross-over bands being in both finals: make of that what you will eh?!


Playing in The Fans' Choice grand final, having attained the most votes on the night of their performances are:
MECHANICAL SUNRISE, formerlytwo fifths of the now deceased Zoe from London, bringing their acoustic whizzbangery. CROSSFIRE are not only the only band to have the foresight to send me their own blurb, but '...are a band with a mix of dirty, Jet inspired rock riffs and modern, foo fighters style song writing that has continued to impress audiences around east sussex. With energetic performances, hard hitting intelligent lyrics and true musician ship, the songs they create are well crafted and rocking to the core..'. MORNING RESCUE have only existed for the past 10 monthsbut are really making waves with their Bloc Party, Forward Russia influenced riffery. TEHILLAH COMMISSION have gone from being our bvery own Mr Mills' bete-noir to him writing jolly nice things about 'em - not an easy task! THE AUDACITY will hopefully be playing the Blam Towers fave, 'Drank too much last night' - rounding off the evening with their multi-coloured lushness will be VIOLET VENDETTA.
The Fans' Choice
Saturday 14th

The following weekend sees the finalists of the industry vote, otherwise known as THE MAN'S CHOICE.
9-VOLT feature noneother than the singing barman, one CHOAD - definitely a polished act and one to look out for on the night.As I writethis AMANACER are about to embark on a tour of France, including a THE BRAVERY support slot - nice one lads! Meanwhile here's what the NME has to say about CITY SUNSETS " A very talented four-piece that seem to know what they're doing when it comes to their music, their addictive songs and upbeat manorisms (SIC) are a clear stand out compared to most bands at the moment."
Once upon a time FLOAT THE EARTH was a one man outfit, now, following a successful series of gigs, Tom Waterhouse has been augmented by members of Sexy Action News, who bolster his well-crafted songs a right treat. Talking of one man outfits - the enigmatic THE ADVANCED continues to remain an island unto himself with his keyboard trickery. In his mortal guise of Alasdair Murden - he describes himself "Keyboard/Synthesizer fronted Sci-fi Music! Compositions are inspired by Current Affairs, Technology, Industrialisation, life in a pre/present/post-apocalypse scenario, Alien Ecologies, and other X-Filey vibes" From cutting edge technologyto good old-fashioned jangletastic choons, THE CRAYONS are Forum stalwarts. Hailing from hastings, this four piece have gone fro strength to strength. All in all - these two nights promise to be a great experience and oportunity to see a cross-section of local talent.
Don't forget that yer £6 entry also gains you a FREE 18 track CD featuring the top 18 bands of whichever particular final you are seeing that night.
The Man's Choice
Saturday 21st


Mr. Mills' Monthly Moan

ACOUSTIC LOUNGE 18th June

Sunset Teens, eh?. Sounds like Hollywood cockrockers rather than a minimalist duo of acoustic guitar and moody cello, while a sweet little pixie called Jo has a nauseatingly adolescent monotone ramble in her best urban mockney over the top. It's like I've been saying for months - fucking acoustic oiks and rich kids everywhere with bugger all to sing about other than havin' a larf, young love and shopping. I even heard some complete penis calling this sudden flood of youngsters post-modern protest singers yesterday. Protest? About what for fuck's sake? That Mum brought them a PS3 rather than a Wii? They have like, loads of work to do like first thing in the afternoon? That mates are a laugh and relationships hurt sometimes? Give me a fucking break and keep it for your myspace blog or something. They said if you had an acoustic guitar…
But let's not be Mr Grumpy. This is still unashamedly pleasant and not in the least bit disturbing or dark. It's summer and it's what people want from their contemporary talent, so Sunset Teens are appreciated enormously, and not just by their friends. I can't think why personally, but seeing as I'm wrong and everyone else is right, I may as well say that Jo's voice is somewhere between Kate Nash and Dolores O'Riordan, but without the power. Or the range. Or the tone. Or, I must unhappily report, the talent. Her rhythmic glottal London ramblings are not enough to maintain interest, and neither is the clear fact that she's obviously an absolute delight to know, because sadly, nobody really cares. She can even play guitar (after a fashion) in a genteel and delicate way, but the best that can be said about her as a singer is she looks nice and made 9 Volt's Choad quite a tasty birthday cake.
If she had anything to say or fired up your synapses with clever observations it'd be a different matter, but you know the score by now. She's too young for the scars of cynicism to cross her brow, so instead, everything's well lovely or sumfink. Take "You're Wonderful" for instance. You don't need much more than the title do you? Whimsical, fingers-down-the-throat teenage shite; all holding hands in flower fields, tearful smiles and meaningless pimply pop new-country that's only really enjoyable for the sheer charm of someone's 'big moment' going so well and easily.
A few tuning problems aside, the inarticulate Nashing of teeth is spot on, but sorry, she's flat and tepid as last night's lager and she drones. Oh upon my aching soul, she drones. Don't get me wrong, her songs are OK. Not good exactly, but not shit enough to be embarrassing, so she's not a hopeless case. It's just an ordinary person's voice, that's all, with no character to it, and not enough lyrical panache to be interesting either, which simply won't do.
First of all, Henry Willard has CDs available. That's just in case you like what you hear and want to buy one, to make the point absolutely clear (this is before he's played a note mind you) but it makes for sound commercial sense to do so at this point and you can trust our 'Enry to be sensible because he's a serious passionate fella. Things matter to him and he probably doesn't get laid much because of it. Or maybe he does, with a certain type of militant fem, as he's the sort of radically sensitive fella who sheds manly tears and sings of broken hearts, betrayal, guilt and being a nice bloke in a world of wankers. Wanna know why, despite whatever they protest to the contrary, women love a bastard and nice guys get shat on? Well, I'll tell you happily, but don't ask Henry; it's still a sore subject. "He doesn't deserve you…I wanna tell you I love you when we're not alone…" oh fucking please. Go rattle a dirty woman until you've blown all that pious sentimentality out of your bollocks lad, you'll feel so much better.
Get pissed and have a fight while you're at it mate; go for the full Monty.
Willard makes a deliberate point of actually telling people when a song's serious and we should listen to the lyrics. So, as we're good little funsters round 'ere, we do, as he tells a woeful drugs tale with a simple melody and a brave face, expecting to seepeople feeling emotional but actually seeing them politely bored. Y'see that's the annoying thing about our 'Enry. The poets and songwriters that influence him, like Elliot Smith, even local contemporaries like Ian Knapp, could convey their bitterness, regret or thoughts in imagery and caustic observations, while Willard (which is almost "well 'ard" innit?) sounds like he's sulking.
It seems that the girl shot in Sevenoaks last week was a friend of his and he dedicates a cover of Smith's "Kings Crossing" to her. The bitter lyric sits well in Willard's mouth, but when he uses his own creations, there's no slicing wit or grim perceptiveness to hint at what he's capable of doing rather than emulating. There is, in all fairness, not much more going on than a rather dull pussywhipped fella having a whinge, and if you were stuck in the pub with him you'd either have to get too beastly drunk enough to care, or amuse yourself by gouging your own eyes out with a rolled up beer mat.
So, if we're having a revolution of protest singers with not much to protest about, we may as well have someone who calls himself one and at least tries to behave accordingly. Enter Ben Iscariot, and he's not sure what to get in a tizz about either, but he at least sounds like he means it, and "Heat Magazine" goes some way towards helping him with that all-important dissatisfied disillusioned dissident pose. There's emphasis on songs rather than style, like a not-terribly-gifted busker with a high, surprisingly pleasant (albeit unconfidently used) vocal technique somewhere between Neil Young and Glen Tilbrook. Entertaining and shabbily earthy acoustic rock 'n' roll in other words, and worthy of at least a quid if you heard him play it while waiting for a tube. As he says himself, the imperfection makes it pure.
A cover of The Clash's "Stay Free" is a cool choice. Played in a pub he'd be reviled. Here, it's polite applause from the grown ups but he's getting into his stride, so snubs his snotty nose at society's ills with "Revolution In The Air", a song unplayed in 3 years, seemingly because it was crap and he forgot. It's a good five minutes, maybe longer, of shameless Dylan-isms (good ones, mind - catchy too) prattling about terrorists, the media, revolution (natch), loves, lusts, being nice to each other for a change because everything's all a bit ghastly otherwise, sticking it to the man, and people have had enough of you Mr Politician, so there. Or maybe it just seems like that.
It's merely a vicious rumour that Cwaig and Wolfgang are actually Siamese twins joined at the scrotum, because Wolfgang's nowhere to be seen in Mechanical Sunrise, the zombie resurrected from the bones of ZFL. Ed's still singing though, and they've kept the old classics like "Silver & Gold" and the workmanlike campfire rock of "Disgusted", because they were songs too bloody good to leave behind. They still are, too. Energetic, good-time pop tunes with bite, old bean.
But what's all that shite on their faces? Facial hair's foreign and breeds vermin you know, I read it in the Daily Mail. Not content with Cwaig's extraordinary goatee, Ed's grown the most appalling scouser's tash with a rakish imperial beneath, like Errol Flynn with acne. Maybe it's disgust for such facefuzz that prompts half the room to exit; maybe it's the Tom Petty cover ("The Last DJ"). But Kenickie's "Come Out Tonight" is excruciating, so maybe they just knew what was coming and got out while the going was good. Kinda wish I'd joined them.

Our eager, hyperactive, willing to please, forelock-tugging, cap-doffing, can-do, nothing's-too-much trouble, highly trained, elite, ex-SAS and Girl Guides, crack squad of volunteers are waiting like coiled springs, with Sanatogen coursing through their veins, bouncing off the walls for you, and only you !

We always like to hear from new contributors, new bands, new people, people who hate swearing, big ones, small ones, some as big as your head.Because believe you me, it's a right hard slog making up all the lies, half-truths and general bollox that we lovingly/laughingly call BLAM. So If you've recently been moved to tears by the sight of a '74 Rickenbacker 4001, plugged through a Big Muff, whilst being lovingly caressed by a young gunslinger who knows his middle eights from a 'truckers gear shift' then please get in touch. Preferably with a local drugs helpline, in the meantime do not operate any heavy machinery.

You can write to us at
The Forum, Fonthill, The Common,
Tunbridge Wells, Kent, TN4 8YU
Or call the Information line on 08712 777101

We also have a website where you can find out all about what's on,
and laugh at the photos of the damp mattressed fainthearts that 'work' here. That's at

www.twforum.co.uk
You can also email us, so do that to:
twforum@globalnet.co.uk

On the website you can book tickets, find out what's coming up, get a map, get a life, identify which ne'er-do-wells have trodden the boards at the ol' shitter, check out our interactive gaming section, or go on our messageboard and start arguing whether we include too many Appalachian Nose-Flute nights in our gig programming. In fact, we beseech, nay implore you to do any of the above which would make a change from downloading hardcore 'chicks with dicks' jpgs as you'd normally do.
Please note that as well as being able to reserve tickets for all Forum shows online, tickets can be purchased from
Criminal Records, 6 Goods Station Road, Tunbridge Wells 01892 511776
and are also now available on TICKETWEB www.ticketweb.co.uk


++++++coming soon++++++


COMEDY FORUM - Thursday 2nd August
INME - Friday 3rd August
WE SMOKE FAGS - Saturday 4th August
DAVID RYDER PRANGLEY - Friday 10th August
THE WOMBATS - Friday 24th August
SPUNGE - Friday 2nd November


Lifted (with permission) from the July edition of BLAM! - All queries regarding libel actions should be directed to them


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