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BLAM June 2007

A word in your ear...

We have been contacted by lawyers acting on behalf of Mr Bryan Ferry who have asked us to clarify that last month's editorial piece which stated that the erstwhile besuited singer of Roxy Music was planning to invade Poland and set up a thousand year reign of terror like what you see in the World at War on the History Channel were grossly inflated and inaccurate. We have been asked to make it plain that Mr Ferry is NOT a Nazi, he just thinks they're great and would like to see the trains run on time. So that's alright then. On with the pathetic attempts at libellous satire or hilarious comedy like what that Ian Hislop off the telly does….
Forum punters were again left shocked and stunned this month (presumably by the lack of any new jokes in the editorial - Ed) when news emerged that the entire local musician community have handed themselves into the authorities in Hollywood, California for crimes against humanity, demanding immediate punishment in the shape of a custodial sentence. "My clients are guilty of the most appalling breaches of human rights "said their representative Mr Lanky Fop. "Having listened to their taped confessions, given to me in the shape of several poorly recorded cassette audio tapes featuring so called songs, "guitar playing", tuning, drum solos and fannying about, I am forced to conclude that my clients are the sort of career criminals for which the only solution is incarceration". It is understood that authorities in California have been reluctant to take custody of the 148 musicians who have volunteered themselves for imprisonment so far, saying that strictly speaking this doesn't fall under their jurisdiction. The musicians, however, remain undaunted by this initial set back, and have collectively chartered themselves a jet and are right now queuing up outside the Century Regional Detention Centre in Lynwood, California salivating like a pack of hungry wolves and demanding to be let in. "I deserve to be locked up for what I did to that Muse number" said one frustrated potential convict "and I am not moving from this spot unless it's to be banged up in the special security wing reserved for celebrities like what I am. I've brought my own soap, and I am prepared to take communal showers. In fact, I demand them". The minstrels have been joined on their picket line by the entire Forum staff, who are claiming culpability for the crimes on the grounds that they supplied the ammunition. "I am just as guilty as the rest of em " said Max Vonsydownyourerockingtheboat "in fact, probably more so, so I should be at the head of the queue so I can have a go on her first………. I mean, serve my time for what I have done guv'nor".

Blam is owned and produced by The Forum. We are poor starving musicians and artists who don't even have a garret so there is very little point in coming after us for money just because we accused you of being a donkey basher, but if you are really intent on litigation, then you sue us via

The Forum, Fonthill, The Common, Tunbridge Wells, Kent TN4 8YU

But frankly, I wouldn't bother because our lawyers, Shyster, Rippemhoff & Felch are the fastest legal minds in Cricklewood.
It has come to our attention that some of the content of this magazine is plainly not suitable for minors. Expressions such as baloney colonic, baiting the hook, lollipop stop and raggedy android are occurring all too frequently in these pages, creating an inappropriate air of homo-eroticism. After complaints from some Lucky Pierre, we will be taking steps to remove any further gay slang terms. The person responsible has been taking over the bridge to pimpleton and given some oyster stew. We apologise most sincerely to all the Veterans Benevolent Association members or Yosies reading and promise it won't happen again. We would also like to apologise to those of you reading this apology who were expecting something new when in fact all we have done is to run one from two years back under the pathetic hope that somebody will actually read it this time and notice how hilarious we are. Do get in touch if this is you, cos it would be nice to know we are appreciated for a fucking change

4ft Fingers
Short Warning
Saturday 2nd

Formed in Cheltenham in 1996, the band went through several line-up as well as name changes before they finally settled on 4ft Fingers. Having mainly played locally for a couple of years, Rob, Tom, Dougie and Dave met manager Darren in late 1999 and things began to improve. The band started to gig relentlessly, playing anywhere they possibly could.
In 2001 the quartet recorded their debut album At Your Convenience with Martin Nicholls at Whitehouse Studios, which was released on Jamdown Records. This was followed by a year of non-stop touring (140 gigs in 2001), earning the band the reputation as one of the hardest working UK bands, which brought them to the attention of several record companies. In early 2002 4ft Fingers signed to Golf Records, home to the likes of The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Snuff and many more.
The second album From Hero To Zero, recorded with Dave Chang at Philia Studios, was released on Golf in September 2002 and supported by an impressive advertising campaign and a full 40-date co-headline UK tour under the title Golfing On The Moon (2002).
2003 has seen the band embark on a massive 47-date headline UK tour under the banner From Hero To Zero which was followed by tour dates with Dead Kennedys and The Damned.
Summer 2003 saw the band writing and pre-viewing new material which was set to see the light of day in May 2004. In the meantime 4ft Fingers have toured Europe in September 2003, after which a third video had been added to Scuzz TV, which was set to coincide with a UK headline tour in October. After this the band were invited to tour with the Voodoo Glow Skulls and Skindred on a 6-week European tour in November/December.
The bands third full-length, A Cause For Concern, was recorded in early 2004 with Pete Brown at Philia Studios and was released to coincide with a UK and European headline tour in April and May. This was followed by the Fingers FIRST TOUR OF THE US IN THE SUMMER, coinciding with the American release of their new album on Go-Kart Records. During the last three months of the year, the band was back gigging in the UK, playing another headline tour in October/November, followed by a number of shows with punk rock legends The Damned.
The band has had four videos on Scuzz TV (Sky Digital channel 471) and P-Rock TV: Last Man Standing, Brickwall, Emergency Manoeuvre and 40 Years Of Misery. All these made it into the channels Top 5.

Comedy Forum

Thursday 7th

Tunbridge Wells' original AND best value for money comedy club is held the first Thursday of every month.

For the past 5 years, on the first Thursday of every month, the Forum has played host tofour top acts from the stand-up comedy circuit. Acts that have gone on to become staples of Channel 4 (and Ceebeebies!) include; JIMMY CARR, ROB ROUSE, ROB DEERING, NINA CONTI, ELECTRIC (Big Cook, Little Cook) FORECAST and MARCUS BRIGSTOCKE. Here's your chance to see the stars of comedy before they start presenting rubbish 'Top 100 Drain Hole Covers in Southborough' stylee programmes.

PAUL B. EDWARDS has been performing comedy since his days at University in the early nineties. His unique brand of songs/jokes/poems and general banter have made him a great favourite in the comedy clubs of the UK.
TV appearances down the years have been sparse (possibly due to the nature of his material but also because he's famous for telling TV producers to bugger off when he's drunk at showbiz parties) but in recent years he has appeared on Channel 5's "Five's Company", "Intertainment Africa" (S.A.) and "A Current Affair" (Channel 9, Australia) as well as numerous appearances on American Cable - And yes, he was a contestant on "Bargain Hunt" !
No stranger to TV warm-ups, Paul has performed the thankless task for both BBC and ITV1 as well as Channel 5 - on programmes ranging from Game shows to Sports panel games. Paul is also available for corporate bookings and private hire and has no small amount of experience in these arenas. In conjunction with lastminutecomedy he can arrange outside events tailored to a client's needs and perform anything up to hour long sets.
Paul is also in demand as a writer and has contributed in the past to The Big Breakfast (RIP) and the Eleven O'clock show (Not so RIP!). He is a published poet and has also written a children's book (believe it or not!) which is currently in the hands of a literary agent.
Lastly, Paul has also ventured into the Comedy Workshop field and can run a day-long affair for groups of up to twenty people (any more than that and it gets hairy!). www.comedyworkshopcompany.com
This multi-talented, multi-faceted performer does however have his limitations and would like it to be known that he is useless at both orienteering and home decorating.

"Keep that boy as far away from me as possible" Matthew Wright
A talented comedian, presenter and writer, Matt has come a long way in a short space of time. An exiting talent that has recently appeared, 25 year old Matt turns his innate curiosity into powerfully surreal and acerbic monologues.
Matt Rudge grew up in Somerset, to a Glaswegian mother and a Brummie Dad. It was therefore unsurprising that he developed a skill for accents and odd impressions. During his school days, Matt's vocal talents contributed to cartoons and radio programs by companies including King Rollo, ITV, BBC Radio, HTV and Zenith. TV roles quickly followed, and aged 16 Matt was asked to be a body double to an injured Dick on ITV's The Famous Five. As another claim to fame, Matt believes he is the only person to have died twice on Casualty, in two separate episodes as two different characters.

Kill Kenada
The Ripps
Friday 8th

"Kill Kenada unleash their fiery punk with an energy and confidence that triple-jumps arrogance to land straight in the sandbox marked 'assured'."

"Kill Kenada are making music that's sharp enough to sever an artery with. Violent but delectable so, this is art rock mentalism in its finest form."

"Incredible, passionate rock 'n' roll, Kill Kenada are one of my favourite bands of the moment."
Zane Lowe - BBC Radio 1

Highlighted by the NME as one of the bands at the centre of the scene currently spawning in the hitherto out-of-favour Midlands, The Ripps released their debut album 'Long Live The Ripps' on March 19th.
Coventry upstarts The Ripps release a brand new single 'Holiday' through Catskills on 11th June.
An unabashed summer pop anthem, 'Holiday' is a tongue in cheek salute to alcoholic misadventure taken from their uproarious debut album.

"This Coventry based threesome really have the whole package: the look, sound, style, and attitude of true punk power pop starlets...destined for big things." Amy Kellehar-Rock Sound

"Graham Coxon riding on the back of a motorbike to the theme from Batman around the backstreets of Cov, with laser guns" Benjamin Bradford-Subba-Cultcha.net

Tom Williams
Haemostatic Picnic Races
Friday 22nd

Local lad Tom Williams is a 20 year old acoustic singer songwriter. Although Tom was born into a musical family, his passion with the guitar started at the age of 14 when attempting to escape the strains of private school he discovered, amongst others, Nirvana and Nick Drake which inspired him to swap his violin and saxophone for acoustic guitar and harmonica. Now at the age of 20, Tom has earned a constantly growing fan-base through supporting bands such as Good Books, Jeremy Warmsley, Emmy the Great and Laura Marling. Mid last year Tom's debut six track EP, the now sold out, Town Station Demos was released by local independent label Win Win Win! Records. Since then Tom has penned countless material about his latest personal experiences such as running away from home and drunken accidents to name a few. (Though speaking personally, there's too much fucking swearing in 'em! - Victorian Ed) He has also gathered together a band of chums to form his backing band, they are currently holed up in a cat infested studio barn some where in Kent (despite more then half the band being allergic to cats). Despite Tom's youth he is rapidly developing the charisma and presence, both onstage and off, that will endear him to all he meets or who see his live performance
Also appearing tonight are another local combo named HAEMOSTATIC PICNIC RACES - and blimey! Despite them having the most ridiculous name since the mighty Green Cheese Sandwich band (or whatever it was)just see what everyone's saying about them:
'Coming across like some hybrid of Fugazi, ATDI, Bloc Party and Snapcase?, they mix driving, heavy guitars with intricate picking and screamed/shouted vocals' DIE, SHELLSUIT, DIE.
'HPR do it very well, making the style very listenable and enjoyable without being too weird and make the average listener switch off in confusion. ' PUNKSCENE
'Fearlessly experimental and talented these young boyz made everyone in the vicinity shut up and pay attention. Basically they get it spot on with musical ideas that are seemingly ridiculous in brilliantly titled songs such as 'OrangutangOrang' and 'I Am Woodenbox'.'DISORDER MAGAZINE

Zombie Met Girl
Saturday 23rd

"Zombie Met Girl take their cue from the late seventies American garage punk scene, think Stooges, Cramps, Dead Kennedy's and you're well on your way to defining this band.
Live Zombie Met Girl manage to recapture the ambiance of the late seventies early eighties punk scene & still retain their own twist on the sound. A must for all discerning rock & retro heads alike."

Matt Wright
Sunday 24th

"Born on 1987 in Maidstone, Kent, England; ever since I was very young, I have enjoyed the pleasures of listening to music, with only one person being my all-time favourite, legendary, inspirational artist...Michael Jackson" (Give the lad a chance, won't you? - Bubbles the chimp)
Matt started work on his first album back in 2003. It is after, over 3 years in the making that 'Six Scars Later' was completed: A very personal affair, chronicling a great portion of Matt's teenage years it gives an insight into Matt and his life. Last December, Matt recorded some material with SON OF DORK singer and bassist, Steve Rushton, also appearing earlier this year at a concert organised by the real-life Mr Potato Head DAVID GEST, alongside SON OF DORK at Shepherd's Bush Empire.
MONTY & THE MANIACS are a three piece pop-punk outfit from Sevenoaks

Riddlestone Music present:
Luke Leighfield
Jose Vanders
Wednesday 27th

"Luke Leighfield is just getting better and better. His tunes have a way of sticking fast in your head, and it's a real joy to watch him at a gig where everyone's singing along, so you have an almost community feel about the gig, but in the way that you very much feel part of that gang, regardless of whether or not you've seen him before (I know from my first experience, and from others having related that to me)."

Marsha Shandur, Xfm.

Seven Story Down
Four Functions
Thursday 28th

'They have a desire to rock out in a true ear berating manner that spins its polished predecessors on it's head....awesome!' (Glasswerk Ezine)

Good hooks, great inventive, dynamic playing (Rhythm magazine)

'Mature, heartfelt rock at its very best ladies and gentleman...'(Messa Music)

SEVEN STORY DOWN are a highly energetic and catchy four piece from Kent, widely accessible whilst maintaining an extra special spark.The band are three years old and have gigged all over this fine country, winning over audiences with their high energy live shows for which they have received rave reviews. Their debut single ‘Radio Song’ (released 7th August 2006) reached 23 in the UK indie charts. The band has a very DIY approach to their music and achieved this without label backing or national exposure, just a lot of hard work! Always working as a team, the group of charismatic lads are focused on improving both as performers and writers.

They have an enviable richness crossed with raw potential that many more experienced bands that I could mention would happily eat their own testicles for (Moanin' Millsey)

I was a Cub Scout
Friday 29th

This looks set to be one helluva night - not one but three cracking bands:I WAS A CUB SCOUT are a two man synth-emo band from Long-Bennington and Collingham spent their first 6 months putting on their own gigs at club nights and house parties up and down the country. Formed in 2006 have had a lot of air time on Radio 1 and MTV 2, they've so far released three singles, one of which was one of Steve Lamacq's Top 10 singles of 2006. The band will be appearing at Carling Festival held in both Leeds and Reading, and also at Download .
"Essentially a bunch of cheeky scallywags aiming to make you move your feet, DARTZ! discordant neo-pop has an exuberance and angularity that is mesmerising to the point of being addictive. Impossible not to like, DARTZ!' duelling vocals, dancefloor-filling harmonies and beats that shake limbs like a mammoths dose of Parkinsons have been making waves throughout the year with two low-key EPs and a recent split with post punks Stapleton on Gravity DIP and have recently put out a 7" on Xtra Mile Recordings. Bullseye!"
You know - I won't insult you by beginining to explain the phenomonen that is the 'Fat. Let's just sit back, relax, and wallow in what others more learned than I have said about 'em:

"In certain, cooler-than-you circles, the name Joeyfat has been an uber-dropable credibility catcher for years. Joeyfat are astonishing. Powerful, original, affecting, funny, brave, tuneful and brilliant". (Will Storr, Loaded)

"Joeyfat add rapier wit, nagging chords and a clownish cunning of their own... Therein begins a hardcore show more evil than most". (NME)

"... supremely talented pioneers of the UK hardcore scene, led by seven-footer M. Edward Cole, who recites tales that could be a hybrid of Edward Lear and Jacques Brel". (The Independent)

Mr. Mills' Monthly Moan

Riddlestone Music Night
Jose Vanders, Mechanical Birds, The James Cleaver Quintet, Tubelord
Saturday 12th May 2007

Goodness me, it’s another one. Where are all these bloody urbanite acoustic teenage poets coming from? Not that it’s a cause for complaint, understand, but crikey, a year ago you might have found the odd one or two, but now the damn things are everywhere. Pick up a mag, watch a music channel or flick through myspace and there they are; strumming their lo-fi gifts to the world while waxing whimsically in harsh London tones about the mundane street-level youthful existence they’ve left behind. We might even feel a little bored by these gobby young urchins with their heavily-accented part-patois tales of bad boyfriends, psychotic girlfriends and metrosexual angst, but maybe we should really be feeling relief that Kate Nash, L**y A***n, Jamie T and their endless stream of cockney copyists predominantly sing in a dialect that isn’t embarrassing. Can you imagine if they were from Birmingham or somewhere equally awful and we were aurally assaulted by the inarticulate ramblings of some chav droning in Brummie or Welsh every time we turned on the radio? ‘Ardly bears finkin’ abaaat dunnit? LDN is a victim indeed, Jack.
For 17-year old Bromley bird Jose Vanders however, it’s a considerably more innocent and fanciful world out there. This waifish brunette popsy could be Nash’s impressionable younger sibling as she sits behind her Yamaha keyboard or acoustic guitar, delicately picking out uncomplicated melodies to an angelic sweetly shrill vocal full of glottal stops, dropped h’s and a welcome lack of sophistication as she offers up her uncorrupted teenage heart for inspection and approval. Cue the charmingly inarticulate tales of fags ‘n’ lollypops teen life, with themes of endless summers, untainted love and things that are “well fun” , add cloying sentimentality that would shame a hippy, and away we go. Well nice, as she’d probably say.
If only Jose Vanders was crap. Or older. Or didn’t possess a beautiful voice. Or wasn’t so impossibly cute and innocent-looking she could be in an advert for breakfast cereal. Then, perhaps, she wouldn’t get away with such sugary nonsense. But she does, and short of giving her a bottle of booze, 20 Bensons, a syringe full of opiates and sending her out whoring, nothing’s gonna change that so just enjoy her wistful ramblings for the guilty pleasure they are and try not to think evil thoughts.
Although nothing to do with the Garbage-influenced electropoppers of the same name, it’s no surprise to find a heavy Modest Mouse influence, in solo artist Mechanical Birds. Feeling uneasy, anxious or in some way disaffected? No matter. So does he, so let him carry on wallowing in the dark waters previously inhabited by Elliot Smith, and he’ll pull enough pained expressions and grimaces to make you wonder what on earth it was that was bothering you. It’s acoustic “healing music” apparently, whatever that is supposed to mean. Shit, you can almost smell burning herbs as this uneasy, mellow -looking dude with an emo haircut strums his black guitar, croons in a nasal Al Stewart-esque manner and tries to find a decent song somewhere in his troubled repertoire. Bright Eyes? Not exactly. Glazed eyes would be closer to the mark.
Being a young and trendy sort (i.e. a reader of this ‘ere mag) you’d probably not be surprised to learn that The James Cleaver Quintet are actually a trio (unless a laptop and a bank of electronic gizmos count as extra members) and there’s nobody called James Cleaver.
Not that you’d particularly care two hoots after the ear-shredding industrial noise of “Dealey Plaza” hits you like a Monster Truck in the guts, because when you’re faced with something akin to 65DOS after nicking Ministry’s drugs supply, you quickly learn to either love it or suffer horribly in pain. Oh yes, The JCQ (as they’re known on Myspace) are a shuddering mentalist racket alright: Hi-NRG rave beats and squeels with cacophonous tortured riffage over the top, giving way to the snarling rants of oikish frontman and chief hooligan Jack, who sounds as if he’s screaming through a throatful of hot gravel.
Sure, such distressing racket is nothing altogether unusual or original. After all, a zillion bands were screwing around with high-BPM electronica and extreme guitar carnage 15 years ago, and they continue to do so, but The JCQ seem to have taken all that basic influence and not so much refined it, but rebuilt it with bolt-on extras for the digital age. Being more accessible than the postrock flavoured groove of 65DOS, if that wonderfully fashionable term “New Rave” hadn’t been pinched to describe a genre that was neither particularly new nor particularly ravey, then The JCQ couldn’t wish for a more convenient pigeonhole for their dramatic and charismatic variety of radical crunk. Hell, it’d certainly suit the tag better than most who currently dance under that banner anyway.
Check ‘em out. And bring earplugs.
If there was one word to describe Kingston’s Tubelord it’d be ‘desperate’. Really desperate. Self-promotion is one thing, but their eagerness and the frequency of which they plead longingly for people to check out their Myspace, buy a CD, buy a badge, give them bookings and generally make them feel popular is quite alarming, as if there’s a whole lot more than petrol money riding on it, and there probably is. But Tubelord aren’t your average attention-seeking kiddiwinks either; they’re a band who don’t want love, they want listeners. People who move to their music are ten a penny, but those who’ll listen to them carefully and examine their work for the intricate craftsmanship that it is, well, they’re a rarer prize and Tubelord covet them like the zealot yearns for paradise.
It’s a swirling, crazy sound alright: a mad mixture of the Biffyer end of the Math-rock spectrum, with the caustic punk guitars of Refused, creating a snappy 3-piece wall of noise and feedback, not unlike Furniture Sound but with a song or two. This ain’t a post-rock pose though, as they’re closer in spirit to an emo band than to the heavy headfuck of Headquarters or any of the other Slinty-eyed upstarts of yesteryear. They can write tunes for a start, and realise that it’s possible to be complex and avant-garde without sounding like pretentious wankers or groovier-than-thou post-rock snobs fit only for shoegazing pseudo-intellectuals at ATP . Tubelord are an angry and passionate band, cutting loose with a fluffy of squealing, brainshaking guitar torture and intricate rhythms as they bend, twist and slide round the fractured beats with reptilian grace, switching to harmonious melodies (even the delicate chimes of a xylophone get a look in) in the twinkling of a red-rimmed eye, so that even techy problems can’t phase ‘em. And why should they? They have your attention and that’s all that matters to them.

Paul Mills

Our eager, hyperactive, willing to please, forelock-tugging, cap-doffing, can-do, nothing's-too-much trouble, highly trained, elite, ex-SAS and Girl Guides, crack squad of volunteers are waiting like coiled springs, with Sanatogen coursing through their veins, bouncing off the walls for you, and only you !

We always like to hear from new contributors, new bands, new people, people who hate swearing, big ones, small ones, some as big as your head.Because believe you me, it's a right hard slog making up all the lies, half-truths and general bollox that we lovingly/laughingly call BLAM. So If you've recently been moved to tears by the sight of a '74 Rickenbacker 4001, plugged through a Big Muff, whilst being lovingly caressed by a young gunslinger who knows his middle eights from a 'truckers gear shift' then please get in touch. Preferably with a local drugs helpline, in the meantime do not operate any heavy machinery.
You can write to us at:
The Forum, Fonthill, The Common,
Tunbridge Wells, Kent, TN4 8YU
Or call the Information line on 08712 777101

We also have a website where you can find out all about what's on,
and laugh at the photos of the damp mattressed fainthearts that 'work' here. That's at
You can also email us, so do that to:

On the website you can book tickets, find out what's coming up, get a map, get a life, identify which ne'er-do-wells have trodden the boards at the ol' shitter, check out our interactive gaming section, or go on our messageboard and start arguing whether we include too many Appalachian Nose-Flute nights in our gig programming. In fact, we beseech, nay implore you to do any of the above which would make a change from downloading hardcore 'chicks with dicks' jpgs as you'd normally do.
Please note that as well as being able to reserve tickets for all Forum shows online, tickets can be purchased from
Criminal Records, 6 Goods Station Road, Tunbridge Wells 01892 511776 and are also now available on www.ticketweb.co.uk

Coming soon...

COMEDY FORUM - Thursday 5th July
EDDIE & THE HOT RODS - Friday 29th June
INME - Friday 3rd August
WE SMOKE FAGS - Saturday 4th August
SPUNGE - Friday 2nd November

Lifted (with permission) from the June edition of BLAM! - All queries regarding libel actions should be directed to them