A small tyeppinge
error led to scenes of gut wrenching horror last week when Forum gestapo- style
officers swooped on addresses across Tunbridge Wells in the early hours of the
afternoon to carry out their miss pelt instructions. Following the success of
the David Blaine publicity machine, local ubergruppenfuhrer bandwagon jumper Ian
Carvell had ordered the replication of the 'mindless-boredom/
I-haven’t-eaten-since-lunchtime, and that was only a Pot Noodle'' type stunt to
take place on the Forum grounds. Throwing caution to the wind, and wind to the
onlookers, gallantly stepping into the frame, the Boy Lawrence was at first
extremely willing to follow through with the brave but pointless and really
rather dull attempt. It is understood that he became less willing, and indeed
positively unco-operative, when Forum staff donned latex gloves and attempted to
carry out their instructions to the full. “I am only doing what I am told” said
one “It says here to put the Boy Lawrence in BOX, and that’s exactly what I am
doing”. In spite of offers of money and vague threats of extreme violence, it is
believed that the members of Box were also initially unhappy with the proposal
that they should have a Kenny Everett lookalike inserted into them. However,
after being reassured by lanky fop about town Randall that "You've got to try
everything once in this life dear boy, except Morris dancing and incest", once a
large pair of tongs were found, the biological obstacles melted away like spit
on a griddle. With the result that the experiment is now progressing well – “I
hardly even notice he is there most days” said a flushed-faced, twinkly-eyed
Pete Luff, guitarist of aforementioned, newly reformed algebra rockers, "..in
fact, only when I have to run for a bus..". Other members of the public have
been less accepting of the mistake. It is understood that the band were recently
pelted with eggs, flour, raisins, sugar, a table spoon of salt and some glace
cherries by fans of (spunge), although this could possibly be another Thai Ping
Following the success of the first operation it was initially planned to put other members of staff into other local bands. This masterplan fell by the wayside when an astute observer pointed out that most of them had been up COVE and JOEYFAT’s arse for years.
Blam is owned and produced by The Forum. We are poor starving musicians and
artists who don't even have
a garret so there is very little point in coming after us for money just because we accused you of being a donkey basher, but if you are really intent on litigation, then you sue us via
The Forum, Fonthill, The Common, Fonthill, Tunbridge Wells, Kent TN4 8YU
But nine times out of ten I wouldn't bother because our lawyers, FULLER, SCHEIDT & BLAGGITT are the fastest legal minds in Cricklewood. We would like to point out that the above medical procedure was performed by highly trained sound technicians with a 'D' in metalwork, and with a Traffic Warden at hand. Also, at no point in the proceedings was the Boy Lawrence aware what day it was.Due to recent EEC quotas coming into effect, this months edition of Blam will be without the usual obscene, mindless, abusive language. But please bear in mind that Man is the dream of dolphins, so fuck right off you spotty faced, Nirvana t-shirt wearing oiks
The Boxer Rebellion
Saturday 4 October
Visually, thisGIRL's stage presence is reminiscent of early gigs from bands
such as Symposium and Idlewild, with pint-sized vocalist Liam vaulting around
the stage like his microphone hasn't been earthed.thisGIRL manage to fuse Fugazi
influenced emo-punk with interludes of Chili Peppers-style extended funkery and
stamp the lot with a Shellac stop/start dynamic.
Live, thisGIRL are a riot to watch and listen to, in fact you'd never know a band from Rotherham could be this cool.THE BOXER REBELLION are going to cause quite a few blushes in Britain's 'musical establishment' pretty soon.
How the hell have they missed this for so long? Content with the faddy, money led nothing bands who boast the longevity of a blowjob from frowning munchkin Avril Lavigne, that funny little thing called 'music' seems to have been forgotten.
The London based four piece hail from America (Nathan Nicholson, vocals), Australia (Todd Howe) and our fair isles (bassist Adam Harrison and drummer Piers Hewitt), with suitably diverse musical influences. You can trace the explosive gusto of BRMC, the boiling, angsty falsetto of Buckley and the searing beauty of The Verve. Their organic, naturally flowing sonic marathon exposes the laughable New Rock Revolution for the shit-stained, corporate shafting marketing stunt it really is.Whilst The Cooper Temple Clause get their BMG stylists to do their hair before every Smash Hits photo-shoot, and Colour Of Fire delicately cut holes in their jeans, THE BOXER REBELLION rely on a stage presence that's evolved through two years of hard, live labour; and a look that despite being - 'shock horror' - 'themselves'; is nonetheless still effortlessly cool. The Boxer Rebellion are what British music has been waiting for. One super-sized rush of blood to the headfuck. Hear for yourselves at www.theboxerrebellion.com
Tuesday 7 October
Among the most extraordinary guitarists in the UK, Nick Harper became a
highly accomplished player at a very early age, going on to achieve a level of
quite astonishing virtuosity. Yet his guitar playing is only part of the story,
for Nick is primarily distinguished as a highly original songwriter and singer
of beautiful melodies and deeply personal lyrics.
Nick's recording debut came in 1983, with an appearance on his father, Roy Harper's 'Whatever Happened To Jugula' album, itself a collaboration with Jimmy Page. He then went on to tour and record regularly with is father. Within a short time, Roy's fans had become accustomed to young Nick's spry, good-natured contributions to his father's shows. He seemed to be bursting with talent and it was no surprise when he began touring and recording in his own righ, and working with a solo GLENN TILBRROOK & SQUEEZE. Performing an acoustic set tonight will be Stable members ISKRA, who describe themselves as an Indie-rock/jazzy/floydy type thang!
plus Hondo MacClean & Flee the Scene
Saturday 25 October
The band's trademark blend of Faith No More style mayhem and
Lostprophets-esque catchy melodic metal hooks never once sounds pretentious or
needlessly indulgent. In short, they're either totally mad or totally brilliant.
Truly it is the sound of hell unleashed, the dark and discordant barrage of Converge, augmented by the schizophrenic vocal stylings of maybe Incubus or Deftones. They stalk on under the cover of pulsing, reverbing feedback and immediately launch themselves into an elusive, shredding groove with all their beings.
There is an intense craziness to the music almost to the point where they are indeed the 'heavy-metal Cardiacs', their apparently chaotic arrangements belying a depth of guitar tone and ability to introduce atmospheric contrast as well as destroy everything in their path. The dual vocals, by turn melodic, garbled, screamed and guttural, with the chiming jazz-influenced guitar picking, adds another dimension to the relentless carnage. Major national recognition is surely there for the taking, Sikth can soon have the UK metal scene at their mercy. After that, who knows...?
Stable members, FLEE THE SCENE quote their influences as being: Deftones, Poison the Well and Glassjaw. Upon examination, their website www.fleethescen.cjb.net reveals this Hadlow foursome to have a rather unhealthy obsession with sharp implements and automatic weapons. And, judging by the photo, the chap on the left is compelled to do the gentlemanly thing after passing the carafe of port the wrong side at a FLEE THE SCENE luncheon.
Friday 24 October
Winners of this weeks NME heckle of the week award "...now play one the
drummer knows...", OCEANSIZE are uncompromising Manchester champions of sonic
minimalism/ maximalism (is that a word?).
OCEANSIZE formed 2 years ago, and funded themselves through various jobs including writing music for arcade games and building/repairing helicopters - both of these somehow appropriate .
OCEANSIZE have formed a strong bond with The Cooper Temple Clause, completing 2 tours with them this year lead singer Mike Vennart even did vocals on the Coopers' 'Panzer Attack' at Glastonbury. OCEANSIZE have also been gigging regularly on their own with great success.
OCEANSIZE were made for devotees of the uncompromising and the intriguingly unique. They were conceived quietly in the minds of five young men, dedicating their waking moments to creating songs about everyday mundanities, whether they be borrowed from Cosmo articles ('Women Who Love Men Who Love Drugs'), or thoughts on loving someone with only one arm ('Amputee'). Thoughts and images wrapped in music that range in tone from blissful bare melancholy to fullonearsplittingsheernoiseguitarterror.
Although unwilling to disclose their influences, OCEANSIZE have a deep respect for the following: Pink Floyd, Black Sabbath, Can, Cardiacs, Jane's Addiction, (early) Verve, Swervedriver, The Beach Boys and Tortoise. But the only way to really appreciate Oceansize's sound and reputation is to see their incendiary live show.
inches of blood
Friday 3rd October
Venue staff will be using gaffa tape and nails like they're going out of
fashion in preparation for the visit of Canadian noise merchants 3 Inches
Of Blood who make the kind of racket that blasts away the Richter scale and
threatens anything not firmly fixed in place. Run, run to the hills!
The band, whose motto is "make heavy metal be your master" play their UK shows in October before departing on tour as support for The Darkness. Described as a truly tortured testament of unhinged shit scary rock, you can't say we didn't warn you but we know you can't resist. Also appearing will be Tunbridge Wells' own BAD PICTURE, featuring Anneka Bones on vocals, and the enigmatic figure of Fred Naish on guitar.
Crank & Crab in a Cab
Saturday 18 October
Released last year, 4ft Fingers' At Your Convenience debut album boasted
catchy-as-hell punk tunes and a skateboarding toilet on the cover. Their
follow-up' From Hero to Zero' features more of the same (except for the toilet),
establishing the quintet somewhere near the front of this particular genre's
field. And while pop-punk isn't exactly hard to come by at the moment, 4ft
Fingers stand out thanks to the quality of their tunes and an uncompromising
attitude that has more in common with hardcore. Beer, skate, punk and tattoos,
exactly what it says in the tin!
CRAB IN A CAB meanwhile are a five piece ska band from Ticehurst, who, fed up with the lack of rehearsal rooms, were inspired by an item on Blue Peter, to build their own! Consisting of yoghurt cartons, eggboxes and stickybacked plastic, it's available to rent for an extortionate fee (possibly).
Friday 31 October
Scout is a young lady from Nottingham. Her new album, "I am" is comprised largely of unaccompanied and imprecise drumming, over which she finds choice moments to declaim often insightful lyrics in a Midlands accent. Combining the more conventional sounds of early Palace Brothers or SLINT, complete with George Formbyesque ukulele solos. Those bemoaning the days when PJ HARVEY sounded this invigorating should check her out now.
Phinius Gage, Grebo & The Misnomer
Saturday 11 October
Named after the Ronnie Barker character in BBC comedy 'Porridge', this four
piece kick- ass melodic punk rock band hail from South London and their brand of
Descendents meets Alkaline Trio style punk is currently wowing audiences around
the capital. It all began when old friends Chris (vocals/ guitar) and Lee
(vocals/ guitar) randomly bumped into each other again at the tail end of 1999.
After a few months of hanging out again, and having played in bands with each
other a few years before, it was a natural progression to end up in a tiny north
London bedsit writing a couple of songs together. The tiny room soon became a
rehearsal studio in west London, and having roped in their younger brothers as a
rhythm section..................I'm sorry, I just can't go on........ Christ on
a bike....you call that a press release!? Where does it mention that this
four-piece knock out exceptional three minute slices of punk with more
enthusiasm than the Boy Lawrence eagerly waiting to look at the lingerie section
in his Mum's Littlewood catalogue.Check out http://www.geocities.com/fletcherpunkrock/
Special mention must go to the rather devilishly handsome member of support band PHINIUS GAGE, who's hobbies include ringing bells at Notre Dame cathedral...sorry girls, he's married. Also appearing are GREBO, and Rory from MINOR DEFECT'S new outfit, THE MISNOMER. A four band bill full of funpacked action.
Schism & At the Deli
Friday 10 October
Drawing influences from many different quarters, from classic old reggae (Lee Perry, Eek a Mouse, Desmond Dekker, Toots) and 2-Tone ska (The Specials, Madness, Bad Manners, The Beat) to 80's metal (Slayer, Metallica, Megadeth, Anthrax, Suicidal Tendencies)as well as the more obvious influences such as, Operation Ivy, Less Than Jake, MU330, The Toasters, Rancid. What makes the Goons stand out, is that they take these influences (and many more) and blend them together to form something different to the tired old Ska/punk formula. A unique style all of their own.Also appearing tonight will be SCHISM, and ska/pop punkers AT THE DELI.
Sonic Boom Six & Chairmen of the Bored
Friday 17 October
WHITMORE return to the road after the success of their last outing on the "Over The Moon" Tour earlier this year. Plans for a new EP have been shelved although the band will soon be entering the studio to record some new tracks which will be available later in the year, as a taster for their new Moon Ska Europe album next year. Supporting Whitmore will be Manchester Punk heroes SONIC BOOM SIX the 5 piece girl fronted Manchester outfit currently kicking up a fuss with their unique brand of Punk mixed with heavy Ska/Reggae, Hip Hop and Ragga. Opening act will be Rochdale Pop-Punkers CHAIRMEN OF THE BORED fronted by Ben Gerrard, who up to now has been more famous for playing Cameron in Channel 4 series Hollyoaks.
Wednesday 22 October
Straight outta Harpenden come this 6-piece hyper-kinetic challenge to Lost
Taking the versatile dynamics of the original crossover-metal hybrid, and pretty much reinventing them from source, Aconite Thrill are a hardcore band indulging themselves in hip-hop and scratchy funk; a band who can switch between irresistible pop hooks and raging punk without thinking, and do so with great style and passion.
It is this combination of energising intensity and perfect melodic sensibility that make Aconite Thrill such a... well... thrilling proposition. Check www.aconitethrill.com
Yaroo! Yikes! Strike me bandy if there ain't another month of lip-licking
Stable shows. These buggers just get better and better. If you've never been to
one of these shows of a Monday night, you really don't know what you're missing.
Three, (count 'em) of the finest local unsigned bands playing every Monday night
for only £4.00 admission.
9-VOLT are fronted by one Chris Hoad of this parish, otherwise known as choad to messageboard regulars. An amalgam of Bush, Incubus and Deep Purple 9-volt are hard lovin' men with their heavy consumption of JD and consulate fags. Known for their penchant of joining 'the ladies' in the audience, whilst still playing, 9-Volt have built up a tidy following! INSIDE THE MIND OF HENRY HOLMES is the new outfit handled by Vic from Whisperkill. Describing themselves as 'experimetal' check out their website at www.insidethemindofhenryholmes.com. Originally called Humpin' Mary, ONE ABOVE NOTHING are an emocore punk band whose mission statement is "...Our name is simply about being your own, to be one above nothing you're above no-one, but you're not below anyone (are you following this, I'll be asking questions later - Ed), and everything you do is for your greater good and not to pose or claim to be better..." Find out more at www.oneabovenothing.cjb.net.
BROADVIEW are the remains of 'Miss Whiplash'; they're a three piece emo punk
band that combine thrash metal and jazz. When not studying psychology and media
studies, the lads have a part-time job acting as lookouts for the local 'bobby'
when the Boy Lawrence goes into the offie to buy his Special Brew. (see pic)
www.broadview.cjb.net CRAB IN A CAB (why the name fellahs?) are a five piece ska
rock combo. Their original bassist left after his parents complained about the
noise they were making. NB. They weren't even playing in his house!! Go figure!
MOORWATER are an out and out metal band from Sevenoaks...and that's all the info I have!
ALL THIS TIME, judging by the photo they sent to me, are either
a Jam tribute band, or like being pictured in their TWGS uniform. formed by
Steve Pell and Edd Thorpe in 2002. The lads originally had a drummer who decorated
his room with pictures of Duncan from Blue and Daniel Beddingfield.....sadly
he is no longer a member of All This Time. The lads play heavy punk rock;
and list their ambitions as: discovering a cure for cancer, to see worldwide
peace in their time, and to play at the Forum. Well, one out of three ain't
bad.CALLING NOVA seem to be a very close-knit band, featuring singer Richard
Brake, "...who is an exceptional songwriter with a very deep grainy voice,
coupled with a terrific scream produces a sound which makes this band as unique
as it's members..." Coupled with Drunken Will the drummer who"...
likes to hit things hard...", an interesting band to look out for.. Talking
of ####ing downright lushes, brings me neatly on to CYRANO. Tunbridge Wells
very own Coldplay, but without the A-list actress girlfriends. A band for
whom the phrase "No thanks, I'll just have a half" falls on deaf
ears!! All in all, a top band, blessed with angel-voiced sensitive singer/songwriter
Joe Ackerley, and guitarist, Karlos Sanchez, who verily maketh his guitar
talk. He can't play the damn thing but he can make it scream for mercy!
Named after singer Ross's rather embarrassing 'problem', see pic below for symptoms, DYSURIA, are a RAWK band from my old school, TWGSB. Consisting of the verbose CJ on bass, whose thoughts are very often recorded on the Foru messageboard, Tom on guitar, and newish drummer Chris. Check out their website at www.dysuriaofficial.tk. RIPCHORD have really got their act together, with an impressive press package and website www.ripchord.fsnet.co.uk . Creating a sound that evokes everything from The mighty Zep thru' to Metallica and Muse.
THE ROOSTERS are a three piece rock band from Surrey...and that's all I know. An opportunity to find out more, would be to check them out on Monday, 27th October.
EVERY MONDAY NIGHT -THREE BANDS - FOUR QUID.
other Thursday, it's Tunbridge Wells' original,
funniest and best value for money stand-up comedy club.
At least four acts for only a fiver.
HARRY DENFORD is regarded as one of the circuits top comedians, who can be
seen headlining each week at Jongleurs venues all over the UK. On stage he is
the full SARF London geezer, who invites us into his world,a world of stone
cladding,gold sovereigns and where owning a holiday caravan in Essex is
Experience a journey with him as a virtual passenger in the comfort of a top of the range Ford Granada Ghia on the "G" plate of course, as you learn about why Lenor fabric softener is banned in the whole of 'Sarf' London and why he is the only pilot from that part of the world. In fact in real life Harry is a fully qualified commercial pilot and flew Boeing 737's before entering the world of standup. He also has a share in a Cessna 172 which he often uses to fly to gigs in. Which explains why the Boy Lawrence and his mates will be lined up holding their Bic lighters on the common come THURSDAY, 9th October
MATT KIRSHEN is a remarkably fresh-faced newer comic, but that youthful exterior hides a maturity of writing, with bright and witty lines that catch audiences unawares.His manner is similarly deceptive, as he appears wide-eyed and nervously hyperactive, yet proves relaxed and quick-witted when the situation demands.
Promising new act, ISSY SUTTIE started out on the cabaret circuit as a guitar based act with her songs. The gaps between songs grew bigger and, alongside appearing as Clamydia in the comedy blues band Travis T Merle and the Kin F'Kin Hillbillies at arts festivals nationwide in summer 2002, Isy took a 45 minute show to Bakewell Arts Festival in Derbyshire which was a mixture of stand-up and songs, for which she won the BAF Award for Best Show. Meanwhile, on THURSDAY, 23rd October, we have DOMINIC FRISBY. Already one of the country's leading young voiceover artists, with more credits to his name than any other voice his age, Dominic began working as a comedian in 1997 and went on to win many of the new act competitions. Now a regular at many of the major UK clubs, he's regarded as one of the freshest and most original new comedians on the circuit, with a multitude of silly characters such as it-guy SIMON LA FONTAINE, farm hand MORRIS THE MORRIS DANCER, aristocrat twit, THE UPPER-CLASS RAPPER, and daft German, LUDWIG THE BAVARIAN. He also performs straight stand-up as himself.
Which brings us to... the rather gorgeous ARIANE SHERINE, (God, you're so predictable Randall, I imagine she'll be plastered all over the Comedy publicity now! - Ed) . This 22 year old newcomer's innately British brand of political and cultural satire stems from her inherently comic Iranian-American background. At 21, while reviewing albums for the NME, Ariane wrote her first comedy script, 'Hyde and Sikh'. It came second in the BBC New Sitcom Writers' Award 2002, and was performed at RADA starring Kevin Eldon, Jeff Mirza and Archie Panjabi.
Ariane is currently writing her first novel while studying for an MA in Screenwriting at Goldsmiths.
'Beneath her innocent persona lies a mind that is fast, filthy and very funny' - Michéal Jacob, Head of Comedy Development, BBC
"Yes I think it's about time you tried standing up, you've been sitting on your arse all your life" - Ariane's mother
"Marry me, please" - Liam the new soundguy