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BLAM September 2002

The Editor Speaks

Pop stars The Kings of the One Handed Catchers have won their battle to evict a "cybersquatter" in England from a website using their name. The United Nations copyright agency ruled that Ivor Madeupname was using his site www.kingsoftheonehandedcatchers.com to deliberately belittle the name of the group. This was decided to be such an excellent joke by the members of the Forum office that we thought we would use it as a major article in this month's satirical magazine but then we couldn't think of anything else to say about it. So we are just going to leave it here at the front of the article as a news item on its own.

Many of you were confused by last month's intro to Blam! which appeared to allege that Tunbridge Wells Borough Council, the owners of the building that houses The Forum, had in some way failed to carry out their job of keeping the premises in a fit state to be used. Comments rained in from many concerned patrons regarding the bad feeling that such completely unsubstantiated allegations might cause. "Only last week" wrote one TWBC fan "I had the privilege of going to the loo at The Forum and finding hot water in the basin. How can you say that they aren't doing their job when you are allowed to boil a kettle and pour it into a sink for the benefit of your customers?"
Another enthusiastic ratepayer wrote in to say that they were pleased to see their local tax money being used to provide a spade for the exclusive use of the Forum staff. "This shovel will enable the Forum staff to dig out any disabled people whose wheelchairs get stuck in the mud where the access path is supposed to be" they stated. "How can you fail to register your thanks for such a glorious piece of management of our money?"

In other completely unrelated news, we are delighted to announce that TWBC have agreed their latest grant to Trinity Arts Centre. It is understood that this latest 500 000 will enable Trinity to finally gold leaf all the toilet seats so that any local arts lovers who wish to watch yet another middle aged, middle class, overpaid bunch of amateur local luvvies crucify the work of some playwright you have never heard of won't have to risk getting their poor little botties cold. When questioned about this latest in a long line of grants to the palace of good fortune, Cllr Len Horewood stated "It is important that the council supports Trinity because……(and believe it or not we are not making this up)…..it addresses the needs of local young people". He went on to confirm reports of a porcine type animal performing aerial manoeuvres over the town hall, before denying claims that plantigrade mammals, typically with large heads, shaggy coats and long claws, have been known to deposit their faecal matter in an arborial context.

It has come to our attention that some of you are concerned that we may be going out on a limb with our criticisms of TWBC. We would once again like to apologise for any hurt or injury felt by members of TWBC who may feel they are being victimised by this continuous abuse. We accept that we are using this magazine to poke fun at TWBC, especially Geoff Levitt, the well know monkey fiddler who also acts as their "head of finance". We only have one thing to say about such issues, and that is, if you don't like it then you could always either A) do something about the fucking appalling state of the building and the fucking ridiculous problems on the common B) Resign, so that you aren't associated with the complete farce, or C) Learn to love being labelled an incompetent cunt with the brains of a mollusc. We apologise that this apology once again slanders the good name of Mr Levitt. For the sake of our lawyers can we point out that we do not believe that Mr Levitt actually fiddles about with monkeys (although we haven't actually seen any evidence that he doesn't which is a bit suspicious if you ask me) and that we are only using the term monkey fiddler in a humorous and light hearted context as a form of general abuse and not as a direct accusation of any real illegal simian genitalia activities either past present or likely to happen in the future. He may be a total waste of space at his job, that is a matter for you the rate paying public to decide even if we do have a viewpoint on it that we are hinting at, but he is clearly not a zoo fetishist…………….as far as we know.

The Kings of the One Handed Catchers
Friday 6th September

Formed in our sister spa town, Leamington Spa in early 1999, Budapest, (named after a city in a foreign country, apparently, fact fans!) are a quintet of sensitive young men, ever eager to discuss the finer points of Ed O'Brien's guitar sound. Think Dave Gilmour's spaced-out work outs, add a smidgeon of Thom Yorke's 'quiet revolution' angst (Quiet? the sloe-eyed twat won't shut the fuck up - non Kid A liking Ed) then, like Dennis Compton, lovingly rubbing linseed oil into his cricket bat, gently anoint some Coldplay, or if you will, Travis pop sensibility, then, stand back as the ghost of Talk Talk rears it's tousled head. There's an old old Chinese curse that goes, "May you live in interesting times", well, bugger me if the 'Pests aren't doing just that! First, the singer's Dad dies, then his girlfriend leaves him, the band get chased by a psycho dwarf fan for 3000 miles through Canada (with his little legs 'n' all!) then get arrested on a murder rap by Toronto's  finest! Yet they still keep touring and writing the most luscious pop songs you'll hear all year! Their debut album 'Too Blind to Hear' was released on August 19th.Check out their website at www.budapest.uk.com. Also appearing tonight are the djihad of jangle, The Kings Of the One Handed Catchers, a band who know how to write a classic popsong. In fact, all hooklines and no stinkers! .

Saturday 7th September

Bloody Hell! Look at these babes in arms on the left here. I want to take them home and beast feed them, have they got a note from their parents, or what? Signed to metal label Music for Nations, INME are a trio of 17 year old Essex lads. Unkind comparisons to Silver Chair are rife, and not a little undeserved!
The trio have known each other for the past 12 years, and early rehearsals featured a Chad Valley cardboard drumkit. All songs on their debut album, "Overgrown Eden" are penned by singer Dave McPherson, and are "truly from the soul, and are an emotional expression of everything that haunts him. This is emulated in the way that Dave uses his vocal  performance, a catharsis that moves from screams and growls to soft angelic falsettos.." Haunted?! Chances are it'll turn out to be the boy Lawrence with a white sheet over his Kenny Everett lookalikey body. Support on the night features Stable II newcomers SPOILER (pictured bottom left) who hail from St Leonards. Catch their website at www.spoilerweb.com.

Nerf Herder
Friday 13th September

Crike O Reilly! Can that really be a youthful Alice Cooper on the far right? I bet he's the unnamed engineer who's beamed down to that hostile red-tinged quarry first!
Blah blah 'Buffy the vampire Slayer blah blah theme tune blah blah. Yes I've heard that all before. Well let me tell you O square -eyed one. Judging by their American Cheese' CD' that's been resident on my player for the past coupla days, there's more to the Nerfs than that.
Not a lot more granted, but if you're into classic three and a half minute thrashathons, perfectly executed, with more hooklines than you could hang Harry Shand's gangland rivals on, smartarse lyrics about your girlfriend's ideal guy being that pointy eared paragon of virtue Vulcan, Mr Spock, then NERF HERDER are your men. And get this, if that isn't enough for your jaded lugs, also appearing tonight are VANILLA POD and latest pop-punkstas, CAPTAIN EVERYTHING!

The Fans' Choice Final
Saturday 14th September

After months of trying to get these six beauties into the same room at the same time, we've been and gone and done it!
The Stable's Fans Choice Final will feature, (pictured clockwise from top left) those local art/pop/ska/start/stop scamsters, YE WILES. With 2 cracking CDs under their belts, Ye Wiles are a constantly gigging top class act and feature ........wait for it ladies, the doe-eyed ladykiller known as Gabriel, who'll have his 4-stringer throbbing between his legs just for you!
Prince William lookalikey and bassist of chav rockers THE LIFE, Chris, will find tonight a bit emotional, as it will be The Life's swansong. Due to 'hygienic differences' , and the fact that singer Sam is re-locating to Florida to be a 'cast member' in Disneyland, henceforth to be known as Minnie. Not before his leather strides have been auctioned for charity on the night though!
Next up are those sitar-stranglers, MUMM RA - the Everliving. Bexhill's finest whose Velvet Underground, Jesus & Mary & Chas 'n' Dave influenced eclectiana (look it up) never fail to amaze/amuse punters. Conducting anti-gravitational tests for NASA are ONE DAY ELLIOTT. These pop punkers have an armful of singalong new wave thrills for everyone. Their onstage banter and audience participation are legendary. A definite must see. Those sullen youths who've obviously read too many copies of their Dad's 'Sniffing Glue' , are local punk upstarts and wind-up merchants THE IDEOTS. Last but not least, but sadly unable to supply me with a photo, are LAZYDAVE, formerly known as ABYSSINIA, "easy listening/soft rock" (!) coming from turnip-heaving Horsmonden.
DOORS OPEN AT 7PM, each ticket holder will receive a FREE CD of the top 18 fans choice winners and hopefully, with fingers crossed, and karaoke commitments permitting, your host and master of ceremonies for the evening will be that lanky fop Randall

Hold on..there's more....The Stable II

Hurrah!, and dare I say it thrice hurrah! The Stable is back, and this time it's meaner, leaner, keener and lots of other words ending with er (Though not including that American hospital series starring that bald bloke and Alex Kington) We have three Stable shows this month, (not including the Fans Choice Final on the 14th, see page 9 for details).
The first night will be Monday 16th featuring Cranbrook punx FKA, who according to my sources are managed by that charming young lady from KFC, MEDIUM STEVE, who judging by their pic below feature Eminem's little brother, and SEQUANA omplete this punk tinged night. Moving onwards to Monday 23rd where grunge rockers BLEACHED, Senockians CARPE DIEM who''ll certainly be seizing the moment to display their heavy rock prowess, and rock hard trio FADE, who according to their webite www.fadenet.tk, like "women, drinking and Page 3", but don't care too much for "Marmite and Anne Robinson". I'd suggest KY myself fellahs, but hey! needs must.
Monday 30th sees Maidstone's answer to the Pet Shop Boys, ABSTRAKT, from St Leonards SPOILER, who judging by their CD promise to be rather good. Last but not least sees local supergroup Muse-like CYRANO. Formed from the detritus of Tipa Gore and Kail, these lads, featuring Tunbridge Wells' answer to Bert Hendrix on guitar, Stewart Copeland on drums, and a cross between Mick Hucknell and somebody who gets really thirsty of an evening on bass & vocals! All in all a good time is guaranteed for all, a splendid evening ahoy! Go see.
Entry to all nights is a mere 4. Support your local stars in the making.

The Blox
Thursday 19th September

If you never got the chance to see Lord Upminster and the Blockheads at their peak, that sadly, is your loss. If however,you never got the chance to see The Blox when they last played here, well, salvation is at hand. Gravey Train, Iron Brewery, Baz Wankall and Norman Wot Nobeer? are back in Tunbridge Wells. Frothing at the mouth to bring you their jazz tinged, pub and music hall inspired tribute to those clever bastards, the late Ian Dury & the Blockheads.
If it's anything like last time this promises to be a smorgasbord of 'Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll', but that's enough about the boy Lawrence! Tales of Billericay Dickie, Plaistow Patricia, and even some Kilburn & The High Roads tunes are in store.
Okey dokey....ah Segovia!


Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster
Lapsus Lingue
Friday 20th September

At last, a band whose reputation goes before them.
The 'Box are a glorious mess, a spirited ragbag of blues, booze and badtime Stooges. Coming in the wake of Ikara Colt and the Parkinsons, they're a bunch of ne'er-do-wells who simply drip attitude. Trouble may not be their middle name, but a broken Newquay Brown bottle dipped in vitriol definitely is.
They're a nasty looking bunch...the sort of people made for rock 'n' roll, prison, and little else. And what a f***ing racket they make! Breath taking, menacing, spleen bursting sickness abounds.
Rock & Roll should always be this good!

Wednesday 25th September

The band that launched a thousand letters from Loaded readers to Chris 'ginger twat' Evans' TFI Friday.. Commonly accused of having got their name from an anagram of their favourite cockrock blues-rock band, yes, the mighty Eerf, Reef having been a bit quiet of late, this dynamic four-piece are back on the wagon, and back on the road. This is a bit of a scoop for the Forum as it's a secret warm-up date for their up-coming tour.Which sees the lads go worldwide, including West Runton Pavilion. This is due to be a sold out sweaty show. So I'd advise purchase of tickets, and Wet Wipes while stocks last. www.reef.co.uk

Rachel Stamp
Friday 27th September

Lip glossed, eyelined, stackheeled, preening, pouting, pointing, footstomping blockbuster chorded interstellar slut rockers RACHEL STAMP are back, and by Golly, are they going to hold their breath, or thcweam and thcweam until the whole world pays attention. And deservedly so. Named after the coolest girl in singer David Ryder-Whyteswan's home town of Dinas Powys, the Stamp have built an humungous and loyal fanbase. Every time they play the Forum, the local hunky Fire Brigade have to be on hand, ready to hose down all the over-excited girls and boys.
If you love the glam stomp of Aerosmith, and David Johannsen's New York Dolls; sordid tales of suburban sex, petulant sneers and deranged keyboard squiggles. Then look no further than the seedy rock'n' roll depravity that is Rachel Stamp.

Av Out
Saturday 28th September

Philadelphia's finest, MARAH have finally achieved a lifelong ambition by getting their inspiration and mentor Bruce 'The Boss' Springsteen to sing on their third album, 'Float Away with the Friday Night Gods'
Oft described as "...the love children of the Rolling Stones, Counting Crows, Van Morrison, and Creedance..." these fellahs obviously get around! Normally known for their blues tinged folk-rock, the band have recently embraced that there new fangled electrickery by using Oasis & Verve producer Owen Morris to incorporate drum loops, and samples to create a New Jersey version of Brit Pop. Look and learn dear reader.

Coming soon to a shithouse near you........
CHUMBAWUMBA - ??????????
LIGHTYEAR - Friday 5th October
THE PIETASTERS - Friday 11th October
METAL HAMMER NIGHT - Sat 12th October
COSMIC ROUGH RIDERS - Fri 18th October
BIG D & THE KIDS TABLE - Tues 22nd Nov
DOUGLAS - Sat 30th Nov
FATHER CHRISTMAS - Wed 25th December

We always like to hear from new contributors, new bands, new people, people who hate swearing, big ones, small ones, some as big as your head.
You can write to us at
The Forum, Fonthill, The Common,
Tunbridge Wells, Kent, TN4 8YU

We have a really lovely website where you can find out all about what's on. That's at
which is a much easier address to remember than the last one, so now you have no excuse. You can also email us, so do that to:
On the website you can book tickets, find out what's coming up, get a map, get a life, dress a virtual Lawrence in ladies underwear, and after all that, you can go on our messageboard and start arguing about exactly which barstool ex-Pistol Glen Matlock parked his pert buttocks on. The address for that is

Lifted (with permission) from the September edition of BLAM! - All queries regarding libel actions should be directed to them