After a huge amount of navel gazing,
head scratching, tickling of the humerus and rubbing each other down with
feathers (the last bit had nothing to do with trying to write an editorial,
it's just what we like to do in the office on a Wednesday morning) we are
finally forced to admit that nothing we can come up with for the editorial
this month could possibly be in any way as funny as the following news item,
which we reprint here in full without any permission of any kind whatsoever.
If we were to make this up for an editorial it would be dismissed as too fantastical
Rock singer Courtney Love is pregnant by Alan Partridge star Steve Coogan, according to reports. Love, 41, discovered she was expecting the British comedian's baby three days ago through a home pregnancy kit, according to the News of the World. She told the paper: "Yes, I am pregnant with Steve's baby, but I'd rather not talk about our relationship." The baby was conceived during her two-week, drug-fuelled sex fling with British comedian Coogan in LA when they were both staying at the famous Sunset Marquis hotel in West Hollywood. But we can reveal Coogan's demands in the bedroom were a world away from the stuffy antics of his blazer-wearing spoof chat show host. Courtney told her friend: "It was literally non-stop sex. Steve is a f***ing sex addict and has a major substance problem. He even asked me to get ten Viagra pills for him so that he could keep going, despite the fact he was past the point of exhaustion. When I was with Steve, I did things that I shouldn't have done. I passed the line of what even I think is normal."
Courtney's friend told us: "Another time Courtney said he wanted to get a hooker. She told him she was too old for that.
But Courtney told me, 'That's his thing'. "He got a whole load of paraphernalia from the Hustler store up the road from their hotel. She also told me Steve talked her into doing something unsafe and said, 'If he's given me anything, I swear to God, I'm going to cut his d*** off!'" Rock chick Courtney is also worried her street cred could be in tatters for dating Alan Partridge. She told her pal: "Tell me honestly...what does it make me look like that I slept with Alan Partridge? Given the grade A stars I've dated it's embarrassing. I mean...Alan Partridge!" The rocker is said to be furious with herself for allowing Coogan to talk her into unprotected sex. The pal went on: "Steve laid all the lines on Courtney. She's such a fragile being at the moment and she believed every word he said. He told her how special she was to him and that he wanted her to come with him to visit his grandmother in Cork.
He admitted seeing seven other women as well as Courtney but he told her he wasn't in love with any of them-he was falling in love with her." But now Courtney just feels her life is in turmoil over her pregnancy. She told her pal: "This couldn't have come at a worse time for me." The friend added: "She hasn't made any decisions about whether she should keep the baby or not. "Courtney is 41 and this might be the last time she gets to have another child." Dad-of-one Coogan, 39, was divorced by wife Caroline last month after he romped with lap-dancers.
In other news, Winona Ryder is dating Ken Barlow, Marilyn Manson is seeing Doris Day, and some of The Forum staff have got girlfriends. Okay, we made that last one up.
Blam is owned and produced by The Forum. We are poor starving musicians
and artists who don't even have a garret so there is very little point in
coming after us for money just because we accused you of being a donkey
basher, but if you are really intent on litigation, then you sue us via
The Forum, Fonthill, The Common, Tunbridge Wells, Kent TN4 8YU
But nine times out of ten I wouldn't bother because our lawyers, Shyster, Rippemhoff & Felch are the fastest legal minds in Cricklewood. It has come to our attention that the above mentioned celebrity coupling may in fact be a tissue of thinly disguised lies and innuendo. We would therefore like to take this opportunity to apologise to Mr Coogan and Ms Love for any mental damage that might result to either of them from being written about in a poorly photocopied magazine printed on recycled bog roll distributed to the furthest reaches of darkest High Brooms. Which reminds me of an old joke we haven’t done for at least two months. My girlfriend asked me to touch her somewhere smelly. So I took her to High Brooms. Anyway, cunty knobchocks away, on with the filth.
Tunbridge Wells' original AND best value for money comedy club is held the first Thursday of every month.
FOUR TOP CLASS ACTS, THE FIRST THURSDAY IN EVERY MONTH, ONLY FIVE POUNDS,
NEW LUXURIOUS TOILET FACILITIES.
Comedian, actor and writer and BBC Digital Radio 6 Presenter COLE PARKER
was born and raised in sleepy Petts Wood, a district of Bromley on the London/Kent
border. After an upbringing of holiday camps, pub gardens, casual violence
and school plays Cole left school at 16 and started work at a London advertising
agency, until the mundane 9 to 5 grew unendurable. At the age of 19, Cole
dropped out to work as a professional actor. The dole office held few thrills
for a young man who had previously tasted fame on T.V.s' "The Bill";
Glue sniffing thug no.3: "Git orf me coppa." As well as several
other low profile stage, television and film bit parts. So he trained as a
Croupier, and spent five years 'dealing' in London and provincial casinos
as well as on Caribbean cruise-ships and for the Israeli and Russian Mafia.Since
he returned to Blighty, Cole tried to rejoin the rat race, his performing
abilities (and his ego) got the better of him and embarked on his destiny
as a comedy writer/performer.
Quickly gaining recognition as an exciting and confident performer. Cole is regularly booked at the U.K.s' best comedy venues as well as performing at numerous corporates and Universities.
CHERRY GREEN hails from London and has been successful on the stand-up comedy circuit since early 2003. Her blend of dark observational humour and social commentary has proved a massive hit with audiences and is propelling her to the lofty heights of stardom. Cherry represents the complete package combining a fantastic sense of humour with raw intelligence and she's more than a little easy on the eye.
Originally from Poole in Dorset, Cherry moved to London to pursue her comedy aspirations after it became painfully apparent that having a degree stands for nothing anymore, especially in Poole, and is only good for getting you stuck in a dead-end call centre job. And that wouldn't do at all. Would it? STUART BLACK's confessional style of satire is dark and contradictory. At once celebrating and despising the worst elements of society. Heralding Chavs as a Great British success story, and in the next
breath pleading for their annihilation. Ultimately Black is indignant, yet sadly resigned to the "..never ending ball-ache of modern life".
ROB 'N' SCATZ "..had the audience in stitches ...a big thumbs-up and
definitely an act to look out for" BBCi
Renowned award-winning performer Rob Gee and respected musician Skatz have pooled their collective writing and musical talents with a killer set of songs on the seedy side of life. New to the comedy circuit, but experienced performers in their own right, Rob and Skatz have an original upbeat set that is clever, fast and funny. They are currently wowing audiences up and down the country with songs such as "Viagra" and "Singing Telegram".
We are Scientists
At the South
by South West music festival in Texas earlier this year, the New York based
trio "We Are Scientists" attracted immediate press and A&R attention
from both small and large record companies. Virgin Records eventually came
out ahead pouncing on this young band with a few $'s worth more vision than
the band could ever have imagined.
Within ten minutes of walking off stage, Englands BBC Radio 1, one of the biggest radio stations on the planet had them booked for appearences, and festivals across the planet suddenly found space in their rostas to accomodate them, and of course, they'd pretty much secured their signing to a major label.
So now, ridiculous as it seems, "Nobody move, nobody get hurt", the latest single from the band, is also their highly anticipated debut single, out now through Virgin music. Melody-enriched post-punk, danceable guitar rock, or what ever it is you decide to call them, We Are Scientists bring you a triumphant alchemy of brainy beat structures and down right funky pop.
Not too far away from eighties indie, the single encompasses infections vocals and and opening riff which will be in your head for days. No, let's make that weeks. Think, Franz Ferdinand with a strong twinge of that D.I.Y garage rock that brought us the Dirtbombs, and you've got a sound nearly on par with this frightfully addictive little ditty of a single. It's like, the Killers, minus the synth, and less of the bravado of that Flowers cretin.
A great debut, and a band to look out for in late 2005. "Nobody move, Nobody get hurt" - Out now.
big is actually better... and when you hear the music Brigade create you'll
understand why. Brigade writes huge, beautiful songs. They create muscular,
passionate tunes that blow up into enormous soundscape epics, while always
retaining the all-important ingredient the song. Powerful, sometimes earth
shattering, sometimes timid, Brigade's sound is unique and compelling. It's
not emo, it's not indie, it's not pop Brigade cannot be limited to genre pigeonholes
their tunes live outside such limitations as anyone who has heard them will
Indeed their debut EP 'Made To Wreck' - takes you on a journey of honest, bare emotion and shuddering hard driving rock rhythms. Produced by Joe Gibb (Funeral For A Friend, Johnny Truant, Million Dead) and Gethin Woolcock, it features four blistering tracks of alt-rock.
Will Simpson's vocals flit between being angelic and harmonious one minute to filling the stadiums with his enormous powerful roar the next. Lyrically the themes are mostly about human relationships, mistakes & regrets and dealing with cynicism.
Residing in London via Bristol, Suffolk and Japan Brigade came together in 03 aiming to create music that would combine hard-hitting rock with sensitivity. Their 'Safe Hands' demo gained the quartet significant interest in rock circles and in support, the quartet have been constantly touring the UK and building up a live following just like all bands with longevity have done before them.
As well as their own headline tours, Brigade have also toured with Aereogramme, Biffy Clyro and hot emo rockers Fightstar.
Excellent - a preview of BRIGADE, and not once did I mention the fact that singer Will is Charlie (ex-Busted, now FIGHTSTAR) Simpson's ickle brother.
Doh ....damn damn damn!!!
Misty's BIG Adventure
During a time when every new band looks to show how hip, now and neccessary they are- while simultaneously showing their influences with every note they play and therefore how dated and disposable they are, Misty's Big Adventure are a welcome change.
A band that comes ready to entertain they leave their fans and passing strays with an audible and visual grin. Their rhetoric is not throw-away humour or a pastiche of their peers, instead it has content. Content that has seen their current single 'Hey Man!' banned by Radio 1 (admittedly after it had received airplay on 6music) due to the lyrical content of b-side 'E.V.I.L'. Misty's track 'E.V.I.L.' is Grandmaster Gareths attack on New Labour and was released for free download on the same day the lemmings took to the poll booths. MBA are a band that entertain on more than a style level, a band i dare you to see and not leave grinning like a LSD spiked Granny at a Rod Stewart stadium show.
were formed whilst at school having met in a skate park in Harvington, Beckenham.
They play rock, with punk attitude or as singer joey cass says" punk
rock mixed with moshalong choruses and fuelled by sweaty teen rebellion".
They are influenced by American bands like foo fighters, good charlotte, my chemical romance.
Having spent the past year playing local venues across Kent, Croydon and the toilet circuit in London, the lads supported Fightstar in Manchester Academy, their biggest gig to date, and are going to be heading out on the road with them again in December.
Last year, Linchpin twins Joey and Mike had a chance meeting with Good Charlotte twins Benji and Joel at a gig, and handed them their demo. The next day, Benji called the boys, told them he was 'blown away', and within the next six months got to work producing the EP for the Linchpin boys. A release on Good Charlotte's own label DC Flag is on the cards for later in the year. Taking matters into their own hands Linchpin began to search for song material in the lives around them. From the track on their debut EP 'Jesus had long hair' which is about drummer Olle getting expelled from Catholic school for having long hair. Expelled by the head teacher, Olle politely asked "Jesus had long hair, so why can't I? (he also died to save our sins - Rev. John 'No Ann Summers in TW' Banner)" to 'take all you can', a song that takes a South London look at the fight between boredom and passion. "Getting off your ass and making the most of life is something we sing about quite a lot" says Linchpin singer Joey.
"We're having as much fun as possible for as long as we can," exclaims
K8!, The Fight's lead singer. "It totally bewilders me that some bands
seem to forget that what they're doing is supposed to be fun."
Unapologetic, fiery and blaring from a radio near you sometime very soon, The Fight don't pull their punches. The debut album, 'Nothing New Since Rock 'N' Roll', spews out perfectly noisy pocketsized pop manifestos with the spunk of a thousand punk anthems and a spiritedslab of youthful rebellion missing in the charts for too long. These are songs about music, songs about idiots, songs about struggling.Songs that say you don't have to be nice and happy and smiley about everything life throws your way, and that there's more to life than boys. "It's a week in the life of an average, pissed off kid," K8! Laughs. "We just say what we feel."
Drummer Jak describes the music as being rather like a strawberry."What you see is what you get - there's no unpeeling, no hidden layers. With The Fight the point is that you get it immediately. If you don't like it the first time you hear it, you won't like it at all." The band should not be fettered by any such concerns, because plenty of people have already liked what they've heard. Picking up fans with every gig they play - and they do a lot of gigging - they've
already shared stages with Rancid, Yellowcard, Sugarcult, New Found Glory and The Starting Line, but the band's unique pop sensibility is already going down a storm with the teenage music fans turned on to guitar music by the poppy - but politicized - reinvention of Green Day and even the efforts of acts like Busted and Avril Lavigne. Don't be fooled by The Fight's bright, commercial hooks, though - the first words you hear on the album are 'What's the fucking point?'
Songs of my Lap
name Why? once referred to Anticon collective and Clouddead member Yoni Wolf,
who released a string of rough-and-ready records that mixed elements of hip-hop
and indie rock. Why?'s earlier output was fun Wolf jumped among genres like
the older, lo-fi Beck, but with less obvious irony and less of a folk influence.
But those records weren¹t as fun as they could have been, because Wolf
often tried to wring too much out of too few ideas, because his arrangements
were a bit thin, and because he had one of the tiniest, weakest voices in
the history of hip-hop.
The name Why? now refers to an entire Bay Area rock band, fronted by Wolf and including guitarist Matt Meldon, multi-instrumentalist Doug McDiarmid, and drummer Josiah Wolf (Yoni's brother). They're an indie rock outfit that nicely balances absurdity and directness, pop hooks with stoned weirdness.
Wolf sings melodies much of the time (in a stronger voice than before, although he¹s still no Sinatra). The result is indie rock that¹s quirky and seemingly casual in a way that makes the catchy parts (and there are many) seem catchier, a little like Pavement in their prime.
yet another fun packed action filled, dangerous sports fanatics stylee month
of Stable shows this month featuring not one, not two, not three (yes, we
get the general idea, get to the fucking point - Ed) but TWELVE brilliant
new and local bands that you can get a bit sweaty to and argue about on the
messageboard. First up on Mon 5th Sept we have BLACK LIGHT UK . DAYFALL .
HIGHFELD. BLACK LIGHT UK are from East Farleigh, wherever the fuck that is.
Is it near Paddock Wood? The opening page of their website has some pretty
good rifftastic rock on it, and they claim to have a neat line in fast guitarist.
I have never understood that. The bloke who painted my house did it really
quickly, but that doesn't make him Michelangelo does it? DAYFALL on the other
hand give Electronica a good thumping. Interestingly, they all have stage
or nicknames, which means they are either the sort of rock and rolling dirty
punk nasties that you don't want to mess with, or they all went to public
school. There's a very creepy picture of what looks like a dead person on
the back of their website, which is a bit un-nerving. Music sounds great though.
HIGHFELD hail from Sevenoaks, in spite of which they are intent on staging
a punk rock dance insurrection. Consisting of Danny, Jim, Jay and Will, they
look like they have got their shit together and are ready to show it to you.
Actually, this is a pretty high quality line up all round and should be quite
Mon 12th Sep brings us: BLIND SUMMIT . CONTRA LAS ARAS . SILVERSIDE. With a very nice type facing (Is it Gothic Rock 12 point?) on their website I was pretty sure what to expect from BLIND SUMMIT, but actually their music on the My Space site was a bit more varied than I might have hoped for. They do have inappropriately long hair though. Are there no barbers in Ashford? International men of mystery CONTRA LAS ARAS don't have a website and didn't send us information. They play in gimp masks to protect their identity, their only fear being recognised in the street and mobbed by hoards of crazed stalker fans. Here's a clue guys, it's 2005. If you want anybody to be able to find out what you are about, it might help to connect up a bit. People on the messageboard say they are really good, but they are all mad and can't be trusted. Their name means Against the Altars (behind the bike shed? - deaf Fop), so perhaps they are Dan Brown fans. SILVERSIDE have a member called Clem Leek and hail from Iden Green. In spite of this they don't play Banjo Arias, opting instead for what is described on their website as "indie rock with potential".
Actually, it's got bags of cool shit going on. Mon 19th Sept and we still aren't finished yet with another great line up featuring CITY SUNSETS . TALKING BACKWARDS . THE WILBRAHAMS. CITY SUNSETS have a bizarre section on their website entitled Groupies and showing pictures of girls pouting at the camera that they have then named and shamed. I was so distracted by this that I almost forgot to listen to the music. It was quite Sarah Records 1987, but as only me and Marvey Jarvey know what that means you'll have to come down and check them out. TALKING BACKWARDS play their own brand of Alt rock. They call it "Symphonic doom pop" - but only really because they are very pretentious. Their website looks like an advert for spy equipment, but luckily the music is very much in the Unlabel mould. Only with a big shouty bollocks singer. THE WILBRAHAMS say they are an edgy British mix of folk and country styles with psychedelic rock and Americana. Think Love after spending a year listening to Led Zep in Nashville, or the Velvet Underground teaming up with Creedence and actually enjoying playing together. Believe it or not they are. They're fucking great. Finally, if you managed to get your arse down there for all that cool shit then you might as well head down for one last time and catch DEAD AT 17 . INCARCERATE . NOTHING on Mon 26 Sept. DEAD AT 17 claim they all grew up in Chad and are 34 years old or something, I was a bit confused by their My Space account. If they are all over 30 then the advertising standards agency should take a look at their name. One of the band has emo hair, but they sound more like Raging Speedhorn than Jimmy Eat World. INCARCERATE, as their name implies, are basically a tribute to The Nolans. Under the rules of The Stable, though, they aren't allowed to play any covers, which has ruined their usual set of I Love to Love and Feel Like Dancing. On this particular evening the band will instead be performing an ironic pastiche of the metal genre. I might have made that up. Why don't you pop down and see? NOTHING hail from Brighton and they say on their website that Their music reflects the anti-bullshit attitude of the band and ranges from sweet, buzzing riffs and storming choruses to more laid-back, groovy and melodic tunes.Once again, rather bizarrely, it does actually do exactly what it says on the tin for a change. Overall, this is a really really good month of Stable bands. The quality just seems to be getting better and better every year, and the whole thing feels like it's on the up and up. You can also drop by The Forum website and follow the links to most of the bands pages. Lots of free music available, and some of it is well worth having. Get down and support it, you really might find a new band you love.
(whereby Moanin' Millsey gives his considered opinion on what's Hot and what's Rot)
|I've forgotten what it's like to have one of those lazy
Sundays. A pal of mine is very much into the whole 'Sunday' thing. All
that lounging around in a big bathrobe, scoffing coffee and croissants,
reading the Sunday papers to the sound of chillout CDs, and no plans whatsoever
beyond perhaps an afternoon pint or two, if he can be arsed to get dressed.
Whereas some of us on the other hand, have to stumble through Sunday mornings
to the sound of Teletubbies, trying to get enthusiastic about finger painting,
play-dough and running around with wet-wipes on standby. And there's the
rub, because there's something about Sundays that makes everything a colossal
effort by the time evening comes around. Whether your day has been spent
doing nothing more strenuous than scratching your bollocks in front of
the telly, or a marathon session of car cleaning, gardening, shouting
at the kids, DIY centres and chores, it gets to Sunday evening and the
concept of work in the morning saps what little motivation you have left.
It's perhaps this 'Sunday lethargy' - which we all suffer from to varying
degrees - that makes the candlelit Acoustic Lounge such a pleasant diversion
from the norm. It provides all the satisfaction of knowing that you've
actually made the effort to go somewhere, with the convenience of being
able to spread out and be indolent for the duration, with no fucker thinking
any less of you for it; just sit down, shut up and get languid for a while.
No steaming pot of tea or hot buttered crumpets, but you could always
bring your own if you're that way inclined.
It's perhaps because of this laid-back atmosphere and lack of expectation that ex- Ideot Simon Leeves can not only get away with being a bit of a sloppy fiasco, he can make you love him all the more for it. "I'm good at fucking stuff up - it's what I'm best at" he admits after busting a string, as the Forum's troubadour-in-residence has a peculiar knack of turning his blunders into an essential part of the charismatic manner in which he presents himself. When he forgets the words or melody, fumbles a chord or becomes distracted by banter, he treats it with the same degree of blokey confidence and goonish flippancy as he would a success, turning whatever limitations he has into opportunities to demonstrate his grimy charm, and he's got that in dirty great shovelfuls.
Simon you see, makes urban bedsit folk-pop for the chav generation; simplistic, but reliably sturdy semi-narrative tunes, boasting witty and surprisingly sensitive lyrics, wrapped in the donkey-jacket of a lagered-up underclass clown with a contemptuous sneer and comic timing. You get the impression that he not only regards rehearsing as a waste of valuable drinking time, but goes onstage with no clear idea of what to play until he stumbles across something in his rough-book that might suit the mood of the moment, making it rather like being entertained by an alcoholic busker. But underneath the façade of this babyfaced shambles, is a compelling performer who can wrench your insides out with the disturbing tale of infidelity and retribution "Marital Bliss", then tickle you into bladder leakage with the filthily hilarious "Polythene Lover", in a manner that befits a skilled and versatile entertainer. There's no pose, no bullshit and no frills with Simon Leeves, just a refreshingly natural, honest and insightful artist that gets under your skin like a splinter and becomes impossible to ignore or remove.
Following on from their celebrated opening slot at the recent Livestock festival, acoustic duo Night Without Sleep are back in more familiar dimly-lit surroundings and ex-Kail frontman (and sentinel of the Forum doorway) Wolff can finally bring out a few of his many demons for a bit of well-needed R&R. Though his partner-in-slime Jim paints a moody acoustic backdrop, all minor chords and atmospherics as dark and dank as a student's laundry basket, the Wolff-boy is in all honesty, not far short of electrifying. He's like a dreadlocked scummier Jim Morrison in combat trousers; not so much the Lizard King, more of a Rat Prince or Mongrel Lord. He pouts and flexes, claws at the air, his eyes, his body, his hair, leaving long bleeding
nail-tracks across his skin while he fellates the mic,
fucks the stand and howls a lupine lament to despair, bleakness and
deviant sexuality. Writhing and gesticulating as if performing in his
own bondage video, it's deeply theatrical gothic pop art at its most
intense, disturbing and peculiarly self-indulgent. Dark freeform beat
poetry, corrupted by anger medication and booze, conveyed by a voice
that swings from a Nick Cave croon to a guttural power-metal roar, with
occasional lapses into yelps, screams, snarls and shamanistic exercises
in vocal rhythm. "The mad dogs are barking" he howls, and
ain't that the fucking truth.
Our eager, hyperactive, willing to please, forelock-tugging, cap-doffing, can-do, nothing's-too-much trouble, highly trained, elite, ex-SAS and Girl Guides, crack squad of volunteers are waiting like coiled springs, bouncing off the walls for you, and only you!
We always like to hear from new contributors, new bands, new people, people
who hate swearing, big ones, small ones, some as big as your head.Because
believe you me, it's a right hard slog making up all the lies, half-truths
and general bollox that we lovingly/laughingly call BLAM
You can write to us at:
The Forum, Fonthill, The Common,
Tunbridge Wells, Kent, TN4 8YU
Or call the Information line on 08712 777101
We also have a website where you can find out all about what's on, and laugh at the photos of the damp mattressed fainthearts that 'work' here. That's at
On the website you can book tickets, find out what's coming up, get a map,
get a life, identify which ne'er-do-wells have trodden the boards at the ol'
shitter, check out our interactive gaming section, or go on our messageboard
and start arguing whether we include too many Appalachian Nose-Flute nights
in our gig programming. In fact, we beseech, nay implore you to do any of
the above which would make a change from downloading hardcore 'chicks with
dicks' jpgs as you'd normally do.
Please note that as well as being able to reserve tickets for all Forum shows online, tickets are also available to be purchased from the following retail outlets:
The Longplayer, 3 Grosvenor Road, Tunbridge Wells 01892 539273
Criminal Records, 6 Goods Station Road, Tunbridge Wells 01892 511776
COMEDY FORUM - Thur 6th Oct
THE GLITTERATI - Fri 7th Oct
TOWERS OF LONDON - Fri14th Oct
BRAKES - Thur 27th Oct
BREAK THE SILENCE - Sat 29th Oct
MOHAIR - Sat 12th Nov